First and foremost, I will mention that I have a credible Bachelors degree with a few courses in Psychology. Using that paper certification and taking shelter in the protection I have been granted by the supreme laws of the state (insert obscure legal language), I am free to provide my free advice and you are free to take it.
With ongoing headlines of wars, possible nuclear threats, bombings, husbands raping their wives, soldiers raping innocent women, pimps luring and trafficking women and children and similar news on violence with men as the key perpetrators in the spotlight, it can, at times, become a bit daunting for women to believe whether good men actually exist.
Well, they do exist and you may have some gentlemen in your own circle to prove it.
Good guys, I feel your pain.
There was [Winter] Hansen who blossomed into Spring by [Fall]ing in love with a girl named Summer at first sight. Summer led him on pretty well and ultimately ditched him within “500 days” on the pretext that she found true love with another guy, and Winter was left with Autumn.
And who can forget Daisy Buchanan, the lovely lass who chose her prestige, her money and her cheating husband over the Great Gatsby, the man who loved her deeply and sacrificed everything to be with her in Fitzgerald’s acclaimed 1925 novel.
Such heartbreaking women, these summer daffodils and daisies!
Here, one must also address the unhealthy projections of love portrayed by those two male characters that so blindly attract the fancies of young men and women. Jay Gatsby was no less of cuckoo head for desiring Daisy to love him and only him and not having the self-restraint to end his fixation over her. As far Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character is concerned, the actor explains Hansen’s intent and relentless infatuation with Summer so wonderfully below:
There is more to life than romantic pursuits such as the love for one’s family and all of nature. As American Buddhist monk Leonard Price explains, “most of us will distinguish in theory between love and infatuation. We think of infatuation as capricious, irresponsible, and shallow, and true love as mature, serious, and steady — though in practice it is hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.”
Bottom line: If someone isn’t reciprocating your interest, the healthiest thing you can do is to move on.
Now dutifully moving on (for the sake of this post), I want all men to know that just like the good men of the world, there are plentiful good women out there, so have some respite and some Falooda milkshake.
In order to address why good men win in the end, I will talk about a big no-no of any relationship – cheating.
Of course I may not be a suitable candidate to discuss relationships given my love life has been rather uninteresting, if not completely non-existent till date.
But, I do have a simple theory to share:
We cheat because we create a separation in the fulfillment of our emotional needs and our physical needs [wink wink].
I will illustrate this concept by addressing it by gender.
p.s. I apologize if I have made any generalizations but I will state what I have commonly read or seen to be true, based on some hypothetical situations.
As the gross cliché goes, ladies first.
For women, the priorities are usually emotional first, then physical.
A woman takes time to open up [yes, the double entendre is HARD to miss. Ok, I must stop].
In the beginning of a man courting a woman, she will first see if he fulfills her emotional needs and once she feels comfortable around him, the holding hands, kissing and other romantic [icky] gestures can follow suit.
Gradually, an equilibrium can be established between fulfillment of both emotional and physical needs with the same man.
Now lets say the woman comes across another man, perhaps with more brawn/more money/cuss-words spewing/spoiled brat/drug addict with more words of flattery, and he happens to indicate his interest in her. For whatever shallow reasons she may have in mind, she might reciprocate her interest so as long as her emotional needs are fulfilled by the first guy.
This is a case of the woman splitting up her emotional and physical needs.
Let’s assume that the new big, bad, wolf doesn’t treat her very well after the temporary fling or doesn’t do justice to her emotional needs like the original [good] guy did. The woman realizes her folly and wants to go back to the good guy.
This is where I must appeal to the good men. Don’t let such an experience of a woman hurting your feelings brainwash you into thinking that you must act like a scumbag to get women. It’s the same concept where a woman need not lower her standards to get a man because she experienced a bad relationship. By all means, get rid of such toxic people in your life who don’t deserve your love, but stay good, as you inherently are.
Good guys, I assure you that your kind nature towards respecting women will help you win in the end.
It worked for our F.R.I.E.N.D.S!
Chandler got Monica, Ross got his high school sweetheart Rachel [except when they were on a break], and Joey……..well, Joey got to reuse his “How u doin?” line forever alone, like a never-ending Dr Drake Ramoray soap opera.
For men, the steps are usually the opposite- physical, then emotional.
From the very beginning, a man tries to ascertain his physical chemistry with a woman by gauging her attractiveness. That is why men’s magazines cater to this trait with front covers like these.
Insert chandler: Could she be wearing any less clothes?
Yes, men are visual creatures and there may be some biological significance to it but apart from anatomy, there isn’t much difference between the two genders. Some of us, man or woman, do a better job of hiding our attraction towards someone. This doesn’t mean that we repress our desires, rather we develop a good control of our senses to act morally.
Based on a man’s eventual level of comfort with the woman, he will open up and talk about his interests, his dreams, his fears, his weaknesses etc. He fears being seen as “unmanly” by sharing such emotions with his male companions. He trusts the woman by becoming so emotionally vulnerable.
Gradually, an equilibrium can be established between fulfillment of both emotional and physical needs with the same woman.
Now lets assume the woman gets busy in her life, say either raising a newborn or working a new job etc and doesn’t have as much time to give to her man like she did before. The man may lose out on maintaining that strong emotional bond and doesn’t open up to her like he used to. He keeps his feelings inside until, say, he runs into another woman who has the time to listen to him. He thinks he has finally found someone who truly understands him because his lady is too busy breastfeeding the babies and cleaning their poop after working and tidying up the house.
This is a case of the man splitting up his emotional and physical needs.
That emotional connection with the new woman may lead him to stray away from his original love and cheat.
Here, I would appeal to the good men again and suggest to work on communicating your feelings and fulfilling both needs with the same woman to save a perfectly good relationship.
Men and women, if there is absolutely no inclination in your heart to be together, then have the dignity to let the other person know before you go on spreading your seeds elsewhere. Perhaps, this post should have been titled “Kind and Honest Men/Women Win in the End.”
Before I part – my good men, I assure you that your good nature will surely pay off to get the loving woman you truly deserve. Amen!