Help! My Daughter Wants to Become a Bollywood Heroine

Dear Wacky Saki,

I inadvertently clicked on a link about a rare UFO’s sighting of Shahnaz Husain sans makeup and got redirected to your blog page. As dumdum as some of your psychological underpinnings are, you are the cheapest labor I can afford on my celery. Although becoming an actress is far more lucrative than your measly professhun of being a starving writer, I need your esteemed help to hypnotize my 16 year old so she may get rid of this illusory dream of becoming a Bollywood actress. It all started on the day of puranmashi when I took my daughter to see the movie Gippi. 


She was thoroughly inspired by the lead protagonist to whom she bears a striking resemblance. I had a gut feeling that the full moon was going to be a bad omen. I mean, look at what it did to the reputation of Cedric Diggory.

The following day, my daughter came across a news blurb about the said teenage actress getting the chance to meet Ranbir Kapoor and she became fixated on the idea that she, too, could make her mark and eat Barfi with Ranbir someday. I explained to her that Ranbir is actually Gollum who disguises himself under a toupee that he borrowed from Salman Khan.1

Hobbitish Translation: Dafuq am I doing?

I will be honest in saying that we do not have any family connections to any leading Bollywood stars. Even my dhobi stopped pressing clothes for the dhobi who eloped with some bodybuilder named Rakhi Sawant, so as you can see, it is a very de’pressing’ situation.

I will feed all the gow matas that huddle near my neighborhood temple, if you so kindly oblige to provide your counseling service.

Please pardon any spelling mistakes. English is my daughter’s tongue.

Jovially yours,

Savita behen2

p.s. I am ready to try exorcism, if need be.

1Did I say toupee? I meant Katrina.
2I said behen, not bhabhi. Pervs.


Dear Savita,

Thank you for your kind query and embedded insult. It seems as if there is a heroin problem running in your family.

Firstly, please note that aspiring to become a Bollywood actress is not a serious disorder that merits voodoo or telepathic torture. (Though, aspiring to become a TV bahu in an Ekta Kapoor serial would be worthy of critical mental evaluation.)

I urge you to think about all the ethereal beauties and acting legends that we still admire and no other actress, even today, has been able to match up to them.

Nargis, Smita Patil, Madhubala, just to name a few. indian icons

Needless to say, these women still flutter the hearts of many men.

I empathize with your concerns about filmmakers making movies like Gippi and deceiving young girls into thinking that they can make it in Bollywood as plain Jane (bra cup <=A) as they are.

gippi bra

There may have been a future for them to play the recurrent role of Moaning Myrtle in the Harry Potter series but alas, even that option ceases to exist. The reality is much different in Bollywood. If your daughter doesn’t resemble one of these heroines emerging from the same clone machine, then I’m sorry to say, no astrologer can brighten her future in lalala land.  clones bwood

I have a few questions up my sleeve that you should address to your daughter right away so that she may rethink her aspirations from a more practical perspective.

First, ask her to name any current leading Bollywood actress that hasn’t done an item number, or an advert for a fairness cream, or participated in a beauty pageant or emerged right off the ramp.

Few to none.

I’m not saying your daughter can’t be fair AND lovely or deflate her belly and inflate her gluteus jelly to fit the measurements of a human hanger (I mean model), or that she can’t prove her acting mettle up to par with the likes of Munni, Babli and now what’s left – Guddi? She can take inspiration from the success stories of those who made it. Just look at John and Bipasha still making sequels to Jism with regular body exposure in every movie they star in.

One exception to all those superficial criteria would be the evergreen Gracy Singh who starred in critically acclaimed movies like Munnabhai MBBS and Lagaan but she is no longer ‘commercially’ marketable because she refuses to do item numbers.

Ask your daughter– “Would you be okay being ranked amongst a group of over 100 women, strut around in a bikini and heels (scientists have found the experience to be as comfortable as giving birth), and eventually have a bunch of myopic judges declare only one of you as Miss Milky Way?”

That’s right little girl coated in three layers of makeup. Set your priorities straight!

Your daughter should realize that it is a ridiculous concept because all of the participating contestants are gorgeous. Beauty pageants employ the same policy the British used to takeover India- Divide and Rule. Divide women on how much we pout our lips and rule us on the title you accord to us. This little know secret has been a big CIA cover-up, brushed under the squirrel like wig of Donald Trump, who has retained ownership of the Miss Universe bijiness since 1996!

Actress Sandra Bullock exemplifies this concept when she went undercover in a Miss Congeniality pageant. Batman’s bulter transformed her from a respected, badass cop to a badass beauty queen, only to have her male colleagues finally acknowledging her (bad)ass.

Now unless you ask the beauty contestants to create a piece of origami in ten seconds and judge them on their skillfulness and mastery of time, I see no merit in such rankings that become the fodder for debutante Bollywood heroines. In fact, decades of this worldwide pageantry of ranking women has turned into the bubonic plague of defining ideals for ascertaining beauty – Long hair, perfect eyebrows, glowing skin, petite waist, petite feet and not to forget- a petite mouth, lest God forbid, a woman is considered even slightly worthy of serious conversation. These criteria have made more and more women conscientious of their looks even when they possess genuine inner beauty and stellar rack of brains. 

I have proof to attest to this brainwashing mindset — Have you ever seen a woman genuinely happy about another woman’s success?

I haven’t either.

(Just Kidding. There are some rare gems out there, ask your daughter to surround herself with such folks)

Some additional questions:

Have you ever seen a men’s pageant where women get to rank them on the basis of their crotch size and the number of hair follicles on their chest?

No, because men’s pagents don’t exist. Men don’t need to be deemed pretty. They just whiff some droplets of Axe body spray and pretty women just fall into their laps from the sky.

It is a bit of a double standard because some Bollywood men can look like a pile of doo-doo with extremely poor verbal communication skills and still be portrayed as the Ricky Behl/ Playboy Hefner of India. 

Mister, I see your monkey dance and I one up you with my version of it.

Last but not least, ask your daughter if she will be okay vying for item songs with lyrics that practically illustrate a blowjob and if her future children would be comfortable witnessing their mother in them?

Because nothing suggests a “Role model” better than dancing to lyrics like “Main tandoor murgi hoon yaar, gatka se saiyaan alcohol se.” Truly inspirational given that you just made a mockery of a profession where countless women are beaten and tortured everyday to sell their bodies for a living.

As more and more beauty pageant winners/models/star kids enter Bollywood, the emphasis laid on acting depreciates faster than an actress’s shelf life.

Let your daughter know that she may become the reigning queen of Bollywood but at the expense of romancing uncles twice her age on screen, and marrying a triple divorcee or some [B-] grade actor named Abhishek Bach Chan (?), or be linked to hit and miss (abusive) Salman Khan off screen.

Personally, living alone with cats seems more enticing.

Hope this helps.

tina fey quote

This entry was posted in Bollywood, Box office, Humor, India, Sarcasm, Satire and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Help! My Daughter Wants to Become a Bollywood Heroine

  1. Reema says:

    HAHAHA!!! This brightened my day – you had me smiling the whole time! Very clever, minion. Might I add, sexayyy dance moves yaar!

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