There are no fool-proof ways to guarantee that the love of your life will come running into your arms, or bend on one knee, or any yoga-defying pose in between. However, I do have some helpful ideas that can brighten your luck.
Step One: Improve Your Appearance
Speaking of brightening your luck, first brighten every nook and corner of your body, including that unsightly butt crevice. In order to achieve this, watch a bevy of fairness cream commercials that are so overwhelming superficial, you want to hurl some white Nerolac paint at all those who manufacture, market, and utilize these products.
First, let’s address men’s fairness.
Of course this is the World’s No. 1 Fairness Cream for Men because no other company wants to face a lawsuit. The brand’s celebrity endorser, Shah Rukh Khan, suggests that men who use this product will automatically be flocked by other presumably “fair” women, a necessary requirement for most, if not, all Bollywood mass entertainment music videos. Please see exhibits below.
Moreover, the “King of Romance” Khan is the perfect endorser because he is the only Bollywood actor to consistently woo women who are engaged or married to other men. Recall Darr, Anjam, DDLJ, Dil Toh Pagal Hai, Veer-Zaara, Jab Tak Hai Jaan, and the recent brain-numbing flick, Chennai Express.
What about the women, you say? Well, the female fairness creams carry a special enzyme that is first tested on animals like Mayawati, Jayalalitha, Mamta Banerjee, and Sonia Gandhi before being approved on to the market. These creams claim to increase your fairness in direct proportion to the amount of your sun exposure, thereby defying science and killing your brain cells with the same mystery formula.
Here is another beauty queen promoting world peace by vying for a man’s attention with a fairness product entrenched in racism.
If you look closely, there seems to be an uncanny resemblance of the transformation of the whitened actors to Casper the Friendly Ghost.
Of course, there is no guarantee that fairness, alone, will get you the person of your dreams. Just look at poor Casper wallowing away in his loneliness!
This brings me to the next important step.
Step Two: Improve your Destiny
Now that we have covered the looks department, begin contacting the plethora of astrologer babas and “holy” gurus posting their adverts on Youtube, predominately on the best item number videos Bollywood has to offer. Because if Sheila, Sunny, and Munni can’t make you horny, Baba Lund Di Pappi surely will! Their love potions and concoctions can do wonders for your destiny and the effects will be as real as Pamela Anderson’s breasts.
Astrologer #1: He appears to be a Gold Medalist in bullshitting because he claims to solve any of your problems within 41 hours. Hmm, how about addressing the rape epidemic in India, sirjee?
Astrologer #3: If you contact this one, “tum rote huye aoge OR haste huya jaoge!” (Either you will come crying to me OR you will leave my office in gay abandon. Someone teach this man the proper usage of conjunctions, or more importantly, send him crying to an asylum.)
Astrologer #4: Last but not least, if you trust this one 1%, he will get the results you seek 100%. Because success is 1% inspiration and 99%…? Actually, nevermind.
Step Three: Make Your Move
With your appearance and destiny restored, you are ready to make your move. Do you fancy someone online? Well, go ahead and make that lecherous comment that will induce copious amounts of belching.
Example #1: Love across borders.
Example #2: Love her as deeply as your name.
Example #3: Confess your feelings in an endless thread. Eventually, someone will respond or better yet, block you.
Here is my personal favorite from my own inbox. Must give the lad some credit for writing such a hilarious post which I’m sure was copied to tens of other women “he may know.”
That’s it folks! For more insightful tips on luring the man or woman of your dreams, do subscribe to this blog and receive your healthy dose of wacky saki humor for FREE.