The Evolution of Bollywood Men

This post is intended to raise awareness about a handful of Indian actors who have, inadvertently or not, evolved into a unique breed of cinematic characters with cavemen like attributes and IQ.

Their parallel artistic trajectory into female ogling and stalking neanderthals is directly proportional to their box office success in regions inhabited by baboons and kin of sexist politicians such as Samaj-sex-wadi Party leader Naresh Agarwal.

Indian Board of Cinema: The following images and information are highly injurious to health, so viewer discretion is advised.

Just kidding, feel free to laugh your buttocks off.

Shahid Kapur

First let’s kickoff with chocolate boy Shahid Kapur.

His Jab We Met avatar had women of all ages swooning over him as he was casually crooning to “Tum Se Hi” with his guitar, like any CEO would do at work. Those innocent eyes and pleasant sense of humor would make any girl want to take him home and……show him off to her parents!

Fast forwarding to 2013, we see Shahid in two new flicks where he dons a “I’m an escapist from Agra pagal khana” look.

In “Phata Poster Nikla Hero”, he dances and prances around the heroine to lyrics of “tera peecha karoon toh tokne ka nahi, tu hai right mera, tera rasta rokoon toh chokne ka nahi.”

Those lines effectively translate as “You can’t stop me from stalking you, I have a right on you, and don’t look surprised when I stop you from living your life freely.”

And just recently, we had the actor starring in “R…Rajkumar” where he delivers dialogues like “Silent ho ja, nahi toh main violent ho jaonga.”

Since director Prabhudeva has no interest in critical acclaim, as is evident from the adaptation of Rowdy Rathore script, he made sure to have multiple moments of patriarchal oppression depicted on the leading lady. As one critic from the Deccan Chronicle noted about the movie, “Prabhu Dheva’s films are infantile fantasies that seek to gratify the fragile male ego and libido. Any further analysis of this imbecility would be a waste of time.

If a Tehelka reporter had the misfortune to question an education minister who enjoyed such a movie, he would likely respond with “ABCD padh li bahut, ab karunga tere saath gandi baat!

Sushant Singh Rajput

Now let’s move on to another charming young man who impressed us with his acting prowess in Kai Po Che.

The success must have gotten to his head for his next role basically involved him casually ditching his brides-to-be, sleeping around with those said women, and taking plenty of bathroom breaks in between. Funny thing is, I went to the loo just as many times to barf out my disappointment.

Famed critic Subash K Jha nailed it with this review: “The guy is plainly horny all the time. As played by the over-zealous Sushant Singh Rajput, the hero doesn’t even try to hide his hard-on. He wears his libido like a badge of honour and flaunts his carnality in front of the two ladies whom he encounters. They, for reasons best known to them, seem to enjoy his company after an initial bout of demurral.”

Ranbir Kapoor

Next we come to an actor who seems to have emulated Salman Khan far too closely, first his choice of girlfriend, and then with recent choice of scripts. He may have started out with a fallen towel scene in Sawaariya and his career really had fallen about the same, even before he could make a sound debut.

With critical successes from Rocket Singh and Barfi, the man proved his mettle, despite the weight of expectations from a star parivaar background.

But his evolution was no different from the first two with his solo Besharam performance. Though he did make one valid point in the promos – if women are allowed padded bras, men may as well use socks to accentuate their assets.

Salman Khan

I will end this list with the baap of all baap actors when it comes to such an evolution.

His initial on-screen days of “Maine Pyaar Kiya” made him a beloved actor and household name. His headlines of abusing girlfriends, controversial statements, and running over innocents with his car also did the latter. Though he is able to avoid jail time, he could not avoid his evolution of portraying similarly ludicrous behavior onscreen. The success of Dabangg set an unfortunate trend of crass cinema which gained popularity on the basis of a simple formula :

Item number + Rajnikant stunts + One shady policeman = Superhit movie.

I have below two important exceptions to this evolution process.

Ranveer Singh

Barring Ranveer’s obvious criminal intent and moments of redemption in Lootera, this man’s cinematic trajectory has stayed rather constant as an unemployed vagabond/luchha. This is also true for actors like Akshay Kumar.

Ranveer was perfect as the typical delhi boy in Band Baaja Baraat as well as the typical testosterone fueled lover and clean chest shaven hero in Ramleela. Do notice the similarities below.

Tushar Kapoor

I leave the best for last.

Tushar deserves his own category because the poor chap isn’t very good at acting. He started his film career with “Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai.” Since then, he has been attempting to say something. Directors realized his best asset is not speaking at all which is evident in Golmaal where his dialogues sound like a mule going into labor. Still, I have mucho respect for this man because at least he knows his limitations and doesn’t mask his flaws behind a khaki police uniform to fool the audience. For everything else, he has Ekta Kapoor. 🙂

A similar post on the evolution of Bollywood women is coming to an inbox near you!

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2 Responses to The Evolution of Bollywood Men

  1. Reema says:

    Hahaha!! The sock has many uses! 😛
    I just watched Baarfi for the 2nd time yesterday! I love that movie 😀

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