Dear Wacky Saki,
My son recently discovered that Uday Chopra is dating Nargis Fakhri and he went into mild depression. As much as that fact may be grossly unfair for other Indian men, he couldn’t help realize the immense benefits of being a Bollywood actor, without moving so much so as an inch of facial muscles to act. Need we mention Abhishek Bachhan and his coupledom with Aishwarya?
Now, I don’t mean to be mean. Uday and Abhishek might be nice guys and those women have surely chosen them for their charming personality (*cough*).
Their swooning charm can make getting off a helicopter look as uncool as possible.
Ma’am, we really cannot afford all the laser hair removal sessions for our son to look as bare chested as an Akshay Kumar, Varun Dhawan, or even Anil Kapoor of recent. In fact, we spent all our savings in getting appointments with the Third Eye of Nirmal Baba but it exacerbated our son’s case as he began dry humping our home towels to the tune of “Jeene Ke Hain Chaar Din.”
Our son has even started crooning to Aashiqui 2 songs to fit into the mold of hundreds of other lunatic Indian fans besotted by love and drugs.
We don’t know what to do.
Do suggest some solution for his case, na?
Humty and Dumpty
Dear Humpty Dumpty,
I have received many such letters from worried parents in the past.
Your son needs to understand that becoming a Bollywood hero is no easy task.
In fact it is simpler to become a heroine. Just follow anyone of the following trajectories — endorse Tide Waali Safedi fairness creams; strut around as a model or beauty pageant participant; be more slimmer and most importantly, YOUNGER, than her counterparts. Being an item girl from abroad is a plus.
If she fulfills these myriad constraints, then watch out for her debut opposite a Khan or a the son of an old hero whose role is to continually stalk, pass lecherous remarks, and harass her till she has no option but to ………………. fall in love.
I don’t know how these actresses haven’t become insane by playing such harebrained roles. Oh wait, nevermind.
p.s.Vidya is an exception.
Being a hit Bollywood hero requires far more difficult constraints. Most important of all, your son must have a yesteryear Bollywood actor as a father who has decent relations with Sallu bhai. Once you fulfill this, your son has a much higher chance to enter into the B-grade/slapstick humor/masala maggi genre of Bollywood.
(If you don’t know who Salman Khan is, he is some 40+ actor who has more criminal cases on his record than awards for his acting skills. He is also lovingly known as “bhai” which is evident in the way women run away from him)
Listed below are other optional criteria that will surely help your son.
1) Look fairer
2) Master the art of pelvic thrusts
3) Dance like you are full of sexual innuendos
4) This man has nailed it!
Now, I will present you with classic examples of Bollywood heroes below who have achieved fame (good and bad) based on the aforementioned logic of having such dynastic-daddy connections.
Uday Chopra and Abhishek Bachhan
Ever heard the theory that every generation reaps and sows for its next? Well, it couldn’t be truer for these two lads who comfortably took birth in two of the biggest Bollywood related homes in India, one in the richest production house (YRF), and the other as the son of the evergreen legend Amitabh Bachhan. They may be rich but to understand just how poor they are in acting skills, do look at the gifs below.
For laughs, here are some legendary scenes from the epic fail that is Dhoom 3.
Did I mention they share great chemistry? 😉
Abhishek Bachhan whooping some serious ass with his lathi stick, desi version of the Dark Knight scene 😛
This guy seems to have idolized Govinda way too closely thanks to his director of a father. Govinda made us laugh, whereas Varun makes us cringe. Go put a shirt and thinking cap on Dhawan junior!
Little does Varun realize, no one can even come close to the legend that is Govinda.
This guy looks perpetually stoned and tharki in every single one of his movies which is why he needs some extra help to wake up.
Ek thapad meri tharaf se bhi.
Tiger very conveniently landed his first role due to his father’s background, the ever inebriated Jackie Shroff. Junior Shroff can easily endorse Veet and Bournvita in equal measure. I don’t know whether to be attracted to him or develop a serious complex looking at his smooth, hair-free complexion.
If your son wants to become famous, I recommend he change his name to “Leopard” or “Armadildo” to follow in the auspicious sourcing of nomenclature from the Animal Kingdom.
Your son needs to realize that not all Bollywood star sons can make it despite having the sugar daddy factor. Here are some disastrous examples that can deter your son from being a Bollywood hero.
No, just no. But then again, Emraan Hashmi made a career with that look.
The guy isn’t all that bad looking. He just has very poor rashee horoscope it seems. Keep trying my lad, someone out there is watching your flicks, most likely Bipasha Basu.
Exceptions to the Rule
Hrithik Roshan is a fine and talented man. He has achieved greater success than his own Bollywood hero of a father which probably makes for a great analogy — that less successful fathers make for more successful sons. As an actor, he has greatly matured from his Main Prem Ki Diwaani Hoon Days.
This is Hrithik pulling off a WWE move on Kareena. It’s called the “Suffocating Hug to Death.”
Today, he has tons of acclaimed movie hits and a humongous fan following. This is a man your son can idolize (except his Krrrrrish 3 antics.)
This Kapoor lad is just as much of a heartthrob for South Asian pre-pubescent girls as One Direction is for American girls of similar age.
Personally not a fan but I will leave this gif here for the ladies. Ok tata.