Note: These tips are listed from the viewpoint of an Indian woman but they may apply to women in any part of the world.
If you live with your parents, make sure you have a ready blueprint of your home so you know the nearest exit points. Preach Modi’s quote about how “young girls are always being asked so many questions by their parents, but do these parents ask their sons where they are going?”
If you live on your own, you have the luxury of skipping that speech.
Pre-game with your girlfriends as you dance to “Baby Doll” or “Baby Got Back.” Do shots each time you hear some misogynistic word in Honey Singh or Robin Thicke’s lyrics. Play games of “Guess that overtly sexualized song sung by a male rapper.”
Adorn the latest push-up contraption from Victoria Secret that is as uncomfortable as wearing an Iron Man suit. Avoid hugging anyone and converse in whispers as your breath may be constrained from the underwire.
Apply enough makeup so outsiders may confuse you for Katy Perry. If you live in any nation with European imperialistic roots, the whiter you look, the better.
Spray on the latest pheromone scented perfume that claims to attract mates from miles away. Speaking of sprays, channel your inner ninja and don’t forget to pack a Swiss army knife and pepper spray.
Manicure your nails. Feel free to contour them sharp enough for self-defense.
Apply that newly invented nail polish which allows you to ascertain if your drink hasn’t been spiked by some sex offender.
If you have scant eyebrows, use a brow pencil to fill them in so everyone knows where your forehead ends and your eyes begin. If you have bushy eyebrows, make sure you have endured enough tears shaping them at a parlor. Wear plenty of lash extensions so you can provide free air conditioning as you roll your eyes.
And before I forget, no glasses! You have the option of being blind as a bat or wearing colorful contact lenses.
No hair follicles should exist anywhere except head, brows, and lashes.
Until and unless your scalp isn’t as dry as a desert from the persistent blow-drying, your hairstyle is not complete.
Spandex is absolutely necessary to contour your body as a starved Tom Hanks in Castaway.
I’m not making these rules up ladies! These are required if you wish to look presentable to society, as evident in a leaked Sorority letter from University of Southern California. (Read the ridiculous letter here.)
Please make arrangements to reach the party location safely. Wear a dozen layers over your dress so no man sees any hint of epidermal tissue, lest he starts salivating, as many godmen and politicians often remark about women’s attire.
Before you enter the club, make sure you show the bouncer your ID and diploma in “Being Called a Slut & Avoiding Sexual Assault.” Once inside, dance wildly in your heels that accentuate your legs, so that ten years down the line, your orthopedist will list them as the main cause of sciatica. Cavewomen have been wearing pointed rocks under their feet since the dawn of time so heels are completely safe from an evolutionary standpoint.
If any man approaches your behind and makes you uncomfortable, let him know you have a boyfriend (as imaginary as he may be) and watch that man retreat slowly to another gluteus maximus.
Drink responsibly and I mean that for water too. If a man buys you a drink, ask him to drink it first or accompany him to the bar where you can see what ingredients the bartender has used in its preparation.
Keep your phone charged and finger ready on the emergency dial button as needed.
Click pictures with your girlfriends that reveal your best angle. Bend your legs slightly like hobbits for a group photo and smoosh yourself against each other so the camera misses any evidence of fat. In case you still look flawed (gasp!), you can always air-brush that shit like a model on a magazine cover. Instagram that piece of perfection and add tags that test your college vocabulary and levels of self-esteem.
When all your perfume has evaporated from your skin and your makeup has melted off from the sweat and lack of ventilation inside the club, it’s time to go home. Make sure you leave with a trustworthy friend. If any man offers a ride home, let him know your imaginary boyfriend is waiting for you. Being single is not acceptable.
Tip-toe back into your home if your folks are asleep. Else follow step one and re-quote PM Modi.
Avoid any obstacles that may awaken any neighborhood aunties who are looking for fresh gossip.
Await all texts that confirm everyone has reached home safely before passing out.
Congratulations! You survived a night out.
p.s. This is satirical piece that conveys some of the self-inflicting pains and realistic precautions women take when they go out (including myself).
Now who wants to go clubbing with me next weekend?! 😉