My First Time Watching Porn

Caveat Lector: This post contains content for mature audiences with a tadka of humor. If you are uncomfortable reading this, I recommend hiding in a cave where there is no wifi.

If there is one thing that makes us all human, it’s being horny.
It’s a natural instinct. If we didn’t have it, we wouldn’t reproduce. Our human civilization would have perished a while ago if we didn’t feel the desire to do it.

This brings me to porn. It serves the significant purpose of self-pleasing.

Recently, the Supreme Court of India blocked a ban on porn sites, citing that such an order would violate personal liberty. This is a phenomenal move coming from a country that tends to blur and bleep anything that may cause an erection, yet is a sound voyeur to item songs.

Compare this to neighboring Pakistan where porn is banned, yet they have the highest viewership to porn sites than any other country. (Middle Eastern countries and conservative US states like Louisiana fare the same way. Notice a trend?)

The best way to describe masturbation is that it has fewer consequences than the real deal, and just about the same health benefits.
Men are all too familiar, given that most get 2-3 erections over the course of their sleep cycle, and wake up with one too.
(And that’s the most action some can hope for)
If its any consolation, women supposedly get some clitoral stimulations during sleep as well, but the only time I can attest to that is if I dreamt about the likes of Benedict Cumberbatch, Mark Ruffalo, Prabhas, or Abhay Deol.

Now back to the actual topic of porn.

I thought I had seen it all, but it was only when I saw a porn clip 2 months ago, that I realized how unbelievably wrong I was.

Men – here’s the truth. A woman can only masturbate to Uday Chopra and Abhishek Bachchan for so long. We need our variety too. 😛

dhoom 3

This is why I asked a guy friend if he could help a broski out, and he sent me a link.

I was all prepared, one night, with my high-speed Amreekan internet service, and anti-virus software. I clicked on his link and was directed to the site page with varied thumbnails of zoomed-in body parts, which looked like photos from a biology seminar on procreation.

There was also a convenient search-bar so folks could filter they kind of porn they were in the mood for, with options including the color of the woman’s hair, to the animal style of making love. Classy.

I clicked on a random thumbnail video and it began to play.
It showcased a woman sitting in her limo and a uniformed man driving in the front. You don’t need a scientist to deduce what will happen next.
To be honest, this has been one of my secret fantasies. The “having a limo” part.

My first impression of the woman was that she was remarkably beautiful.
I wouldn’t use the word hot. Rather she was heavenly, and I was almost about to exit the video out of low self-esteem.
The camera then focused on the man’s face, who appeared to be a long lost cousin of present day Hugh Hefner.
Before I could fully acclimate to his features, the camera quickly zoomed in to his penis; the size of which made me believe that it was built on steroids. My instant reaction was how Edward Cullen feels when he is directly exposed to sunlight.

Perhaps size matters to a few, but I assure all men to be content with what they have.
You don’t want your goods to look like they were byproducts of a nuclear reactor.
Same goes for the women.
In fact there should there be a warning label on porn – “Breasts, butts, and penises that appear in this video are larger that normal human limits to attain them. Do not perturbed. Common folks do not look like this. If we did, we would all evolve with unbelievable staminas, flexibility, and very little hair follicles.”

The entire clip was 15 minutes long! Naturally, I was hoping they would introduce themselves, maybe get to know each other’s favorite color, movies, and goals for the future etc.

Instead, 20 seconds into the video, the guy’s pants come off and he is inserting it into every possible orifice he can find. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts humping her ear next.
I fast forwarded the video and realized that both of them continued to hump without any break!

The only breather the man took was to fire himself up again when he lost some steam.
Relax bro, you’re just making love, not sending your penis into an orbit around the earth!

In short, that video was not working for me, and I decided to switch to another one.
The next one had the scenario of woman dressed in what looked like a Halloween Maid costume. She was pretending to do some dusting on a staircase when the owner approached her. He starts making bland references about her career choice such as – “I love it when you’re dirty!”

They start humping immediately (which reminds me, why aren’t any of these men using condoms?) Both clips affirmed the fact that porn has very little foreplay and is almost always about what the man wants.
What about addressing other erogenous zones to spice things up? – behind the ear, collarbones, lower lip, lower back, forehead, bellybutton, dimples on the chin, crinkles on the nose, hands, feet etc. or even a gentle hug. Unfortunately in porn, it’s all about penetration. If us regular folks tried to emulate any of their acrobatic moves, we would most certainly end up in the emergency room.

I also realized that female pornstars are, indeed, very good actors.
This is why Sunny Leone is flourishing in Bollywood. Can’t say it was easy to find this picture of her, but she is a stunner!  

sunny-leone-in-saree

The amount of enthusiasm they show for no reason whatsoever is worthy of an award — Oscar, Tony, and even the Grammy!
For example, the woman in the video kept making loud noises at random intervals that would make Maria Sharapova blush. Then she proceeded to ask the man, “Oh, you like that don’t you?” and repeated that phrase a few times over.
Honey, you just went down on him. I believe he is very content in life at this point.

Anyway, the point of writing this article is to support the Supreme Court’s decision, but also point out that porn comes with its own share of issues. I definitely liked one video where the woman was given a meatier role to take initiative, rare as they were.
Funny how that transcends in cinema too.

However, I was horrified to see a few thumbnails that had taglines of words like “forced” or images of women with tape on their mouths to silence them.
If you happen to come across anything visuals that demonstrate rape, or child pornography on any site, please do not hesitate to report it.
Association of Sites Advocating Child Protection (ASACP) is one such resource, where you can report abusive sites online. (I had done the same with one site when I observed such disturbing content.)

The Internet is a jungle with its merits and demerits. Sexually abusive content is a difficult beast to tackle as it gets masked under sources that are difficult to trace.
Do your share in addressing it.

Till then, I wish you all happy and healthy orgasms 🙂

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This entry was posted in Bollywood, Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to My First Time Watching Porn

  1. VendingMachine says:

    talk about the wide varieties they got 😉 funny read

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