Men and The City

Each big city of the world is unique in its own telling ways. To declare one city as the best is just as opinionated as saying that you love a particular ice-cream flavor over another. Rankings come and go and preferences do change over time. The things that don’t change are the harsh expectations of reality, finding your identity, and enjoying the many attractions of the city, all whilst making ends meet. That concoction can either make your dream come true or break you entirely (or any part of that spectrum in between). I don’t have decades of experience living in the City, nor have I ever purchased a generic “I love New York” T-shirt to cement my love for NYC, but I do find myself meeting an interesting bunch of people in the most unexpected circumstances. That is precisely why I love this city- for the lessons it keeps teaching me.

Discovering People of your own Heritage

Russell peters wasn’t kidding when he joked that whenever an Indian person (new to a foreign country) sees another Indian stranger passing by, the first thought is “Wow! They made it here too? I thought I was the only one”

The Indian diaspora in the US is constantly evolving. You may see a family of four who have been living in the States long enough to completely adjust into the mainstream American life, or a young man/woman visiting for a short-term project/degree, or second/third/fourth etc generation Indians with mixed heritage. My favorite sight is the one of three generations of one family at once – the dadi in her cotton sari and oiled and braided hair routine, the dada in his simple chappals (and I assume a tiny comb in his pocket), their working children who are busy trying to figure out the location of their next destination from a City map as their wide-eyed newborn is in the stroller, flabbergasted by all the different City sights and sounds his/her developing senses can grasp at once.

When I see any Indian or group of Indians walking around in the City, I wonder what kind of decisions led them to this immigrant experience, what stories they share with each other and what new stories will come out of their stay, temporary or permanent.

On this note of New York City and its splendid people, I will use this medium to share my Top 5 memorable and not so memorable conversations with men in the City.

I would usually reserve these tidbits of personal narratives for general amusement on Noseybook but I decided to collapse them all into one nice little post.

So folks, here it goes!

1) The Bangladeshi father

It was the week before the beginning of Fall semester. Students and their families were moving out and about, the former filled with imminent anticipation and resplendent countenances, the latter with immense pride for their children. A friend and I were at Columbia University’s campus to promote our upcoming 5K Walk/Run for a child rights NGO. Since the 5K was to take place at Riverside Park, we decided to pique the interest of students at Columbia given that the main campus is right across from the Park. With so many buildings in the City, it is hard to get a feel of a college campus but the happy faces of students made up for it.

The Indian men were easiest to approach (perhaps because two Indian women were approaching them or rather, they didn’t run away from us). There was one South Asian family who were elated that their daughter had gained admission in a renowned University in the US. The wife was dressed in traditional Indian suit, with bangles and a red bindi.

As soon as I mentioned that Child Rights and You NGO is based in India, the father retorted, “No India. No India. We (pointing to himself and his family) from Bangladesh.”

His simple command of English reminded me of my grandmother.

“But we are one in the same people,” I replied with a smile.

I don’t think he was pleased to hear that so we decided to wish them the best and move on.

His daughter, with her long black hair, and black eyes, intensified with the application of some kohl, could have easily passed off as my sister.

Imperialism did what it did but the divide and rule policy still has many us separated from each other.

2) The Hospital Janitor

I have to visit a hospital every two weeks for a relative. After so many visits, I am  fortunate to befriend an old man who works as a janitor in the late evening/night shift on one of the many floors of the building. The job isn’t exactly pleasant with the necessity to clean bathrooms and pickup the left-over coffee spills and cups of visitors, patients, doctors and nurses alike. But without that man and his team, the hospital could not function smoothly.

I must say that he is a very kind and intelligent man. We end up watching a game of Jeopardy in his free shift on the hospital TV and he has answers to most of the questions. When I asked him about his life, he told me that he could not go to college because his parents could not afford it for him. On the bright side, he made sure he would work hard enough and do any job he could find to put his daughter through college [which he did].

He also shares his wisdom and experiences about life. One time, we spoke about the tradition and societal obligation of marriage, seeing as he went through a divorce.

“Don’t enter into a marriage thinking it is going to be some fantasy ride. It will get boring and it will get mundane. But that doesn’t mean one should let it stay that way either. The problem arises when people take more than they give into a relationship.”

“Is that what happened to you?”

“No. My wife and I separated because she wanted to be with someone else. We still talk sometimes for the sake of our daughter. In the end, I was very happy to get custody of our child. I knew that I would be able to provide for her better than my wife ever cared for her.”

2) The Indian co-worker

I am fortunate to work with amazing men and women in the past (and at present) and I am also fortunate to experience the great degree of freedom New York City gives me as a woman.

Recently, I was chatting with an Indian co-worker and the (unfortunate) topic of “Blurred Lines” video came up.

“I don’t see the problem with the video. It is supposed to support the liberation of women,” he said, by quoting I want to liberate you lyric.

“I understand that the models willfully paraded, all naked, except for their skin colored underwear, and hopped around the male singers. But I would have loved to see the men lose their fancy suits and strip down for women to ogle their bare buttocks, all the same. You are only perpetuating the rape culture when you say that a woman is asking for it under the pretext of blurred lines. It’s consensual or it isn’t.”

He was taken aback by my response and even more taken aback when his “fear” of my being a feminist was confirmed [Contrary to the biased notion people have of feminists, I don’t burn my bras as they are an investment of hard-earned money and even if my husband was the breadwinner and I, a housewife, or vice versa, it still wouldn’t make either of us less of man or woman.]

He questioned my need to become so because he believed (perhaps, within the realm of his boxed up cubicle and watching movies like Pyaar ka Punchnama) that women have enough privileges today. Hearing him say that reminded me of a viral blog post by an Indian woman who, also in her misguided narrow-mindedness, stated that women are treated in a more special fashion than men. She ends her post as follows: “Poor guys. Thank God I am not a guy. I can be as lazy as I want to be. The biggest advantage of being a girl. Really. There are hardly any guys who are really out of a girl’s league. . .She will never run out of options, while he gets just a few options in any case. A guy’s ugly is a girl’s cute. Dear feminists, please leave them alone. Really. They are mostly cute.”

I find it strange that people forget the laws, the catalysts of equality that the feminist movement has brought to the world. For God sakes, women weren’t even allowed to run in Marathons till 1970s. It wasn’t until the historic participation of Kathrine Switzer as a numbered participant in the Boston Marathon in 1967 that women slowly gained acceptance to be an officially recognized participant. I also find it strange that people question the need for feminism even as violent gangrape cases, men abducting women and imprisoning them in their homes or brothels for sexual slavery, domestic abuse and plight of women and children continue to flood our headlines. Yes, reporting of such cases has increased. Yes, the death penalty has been awarded to Nirbhaya rapists today, but the progress doesn’t end there.

As a side note, there are perks to be an Indian in America. People generally assume you are smart and/or highly educated. But all of that shouldn’t erase the fact that our nation ranks poorly in its treatment of women. Moreover, human rights violations especially that of women and children, are rampant in Southeast Asia. Forget blurred lines, I think Honey Singh will soon have to come out with a song for Indian men and alter the lyrics of “Brown Rang De” as follows:

Mundiye ne tere brown rang te, kudiya nahi pat tengi kissi bhi town de,

Na koi kamm tujhe aava na, roti kya tu bhi khaave ga,

Gori gori kudiye tere munh pe chanta maare na,

Hogein tere charche Star News to BBC,

Saale jail main jaake kaat apni rapist wali mentality

I recall one news channel did some “serious” investigative journalism by making one of their female reporters dress up in tight jeans and a black top and walk around casually in crowded public spaces in India. With the help of a “khufiya” camera guy, they were able to capture some lecherous facial expressions of random men who stared at her boobs, her ass and some even turned around to take a second glance, just to confirm, I presume, that she was a woman (sex ratio makes us a rare species in an environment of big packs of men). No remarkable insight there because such ogling of women (where the duration of staring is directly proportional to a man’s supposed ability to unclothe woman with his X-ray vision) happens in every country.

I didn’t have an answer to demonstrate my “need” to become a feminist, but I did have a question.

“Do you have a sister?”

“Yes, she lives in India,” he replied.

“Is she married?”

“Yes.”

“What would you do if, one day, your sister told you that her husband had raped her?”

He paused, not sure of what to say. Finally he said, “I would beat him up and throw him in prison for life.”

“Too bad Mister. Marital rape is not observed as a criminal offense in India. This is one of many reasons why we still need men and women standing up for gender equality and justice. That, my friend, is the basis of feminism.”

4) Krishna’s avatar at ISKCON temple in Brooklyn

The most striking beauty about the ISKCON temple in Brooklyn is that a great diversity of individuals blend together so seamlessly by sharing the same language of pure meditation and mutual respect. When I first visited the temple, the most surprising part was that there were more people of different backgrounds than there were of my own ethnicity. Some members are so moved by the discussions and the singing during the kirtans that they get up and start dancing in joy to the percussive rhythms of the drums and the soulful vibrations emerging from people’s singing. It is at this temple that I regained the powerful understanding that each and every person, as unique we are, are also the same mere drops, which when pooled together, create the vast ocean of humanity. If New York City is a true melting pot of many different kinds of people, then the ISKCON temple is a microcosmic representation of that diverse pool.

Although, I never had any conversation with the man here, I do feel that he deserves a special mention. At the Janamashtmi (Birth of Lord Krishna) festival at the temple last month, this man played the role of Lord Krishna in one of the skits on stage. All of us were mesmerized by his performance, by the equanimity of his voice and gracious presence of his movement. Needless to say, this man, of African descent, nailed his Krishna avatar! 🙂

5) The Haah-vad educated banker

It’s scary that most, if not all, pejorative terms originate with women.

Before I speak about the banker, I once asked a guy in college if it was okay that I call him a girl, seeing that we so effortlessly call each other “guys.”

“No! Why would you do that?” came his quick reply.

“Ok nevermind. Tell me, what is the worst thing you have been called?”

“I dunno, a douchebag maybe.”

“Do you know what a douche bag is?”

“A guy who is a jerk?”

“Not quite.”

[I first heard the term when I read an article where it said that victims of rape remove important evidence because they douche themselves after the traumatizing incident.]

“Douche bag is a bag of fluid used by women for medical or hygienic reasons.”

He couldn’t believe the origin. To my readers– I’m sure you know where derogatory expletives like pussy, cunt and bitch come from, don’t you?

Ok, now coming to the original subject of discussion for this last conversation.

I recently met a fellow at a finance related event. He started off with his educational background (with extra emphasis on the brand name of his University) and continued his monologue about his ‘hot-shot’ Wall Street occupation (yawn).

I am not generalizing men who come from such “prestigious” ranks of society, but if this “Unofficial Goldman Sachs Guide to Being a Man” is anything to go by, you can estimate this particular man’s behavior towards women.

http://www.businessinsider.com/the-gselevator-guide-to-being-a-man-2013-9

Here is some of the advice they give in the list, followed by my repartee.

“When in doubt, always kiss her.”

When kissed in such a fashion that invades your personal space, always kick him.

“Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.”

Pretty women have better things to do than being approached by strangers just because they don’t have another human being next to them.

“One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.”

Probably.

“Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind she’s eating yours.”

Order that pie and throw it in his face and tell him- Desserts are for everyone!

“No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.”

Because your ugly male best-friend is not good enough?

“Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.”

“Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.”

Call the cops. This guy is a lunatic.

“If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.”

There goes my degree with a course in statistics 101.

“Hookers aren’t cool, and remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.”

If your sexist notions are where you dick is, then please keep it all to yourself.

This banker fellow tried to guess where I was from because New Jersey is too vague of an origin. I saved him from his misery by saying India to which he proceeded to discuss his college thesis on something related to reducing poverty levels in South Asia (should’ve said I’m from Antarctica and left).

After a half hour of politely listening to more one-sided blabber, I had to interrupt him to ask one question.
“Do you think the bubble is ever going to burst?”
“Oh, you mean the real estate ones in BRIC markets?”
“No, I mean the one you have forged of yourself in your head.”

A Personal Comparison of Two of the World’s Largest and Oldest Democracies

One country was discovered by a lost traveler who accorded the natives with a title originating from a subcontinent nation in the opposite hemisphere. Fast forwarding from the Native American genocide and ousting of the British rule, it took America a four year long Civil War to bring an end to slavery and 150+ more years to accept women’s voting rights to finally gain the first roots of a true democracy.

The pre-partition land that extended beyond the River Indus (Hindustan) has a rich history of Vedic scriptures, ancient sculptures, and spiritual wisdom of its own, whilst also inheriting customs, religions and conventions (dowry originated from the Europeans) from all those who invaded that said land, such as the Turks, the Afghans, the French and the imperialists that were the last to leave — the British. It took India a Satyagraha movement led by Gandhiji (in addition to other notable movements such as the Dandi March and countless lives lost at the hands of British generals, particularly in the Jallianwala Bagh massacre) to dispose of the British empire that was already heading towards bankruptcy from WWII. Several wars and bloody partitions, politically charged inclusion of minority parties, castes and sects in the general representation allowed India to finally achieve some semblance of the same pluralistic outlook as the US. India is, of course, a much younger democratic state than the US but neither are ideal democracies by all standards, for they are also modern republics and if they succeed in one aspect of governance, they falter in another. Then again, with present day nations like Egypt struggling to achieve that same democratic governance with a lesser degree of patience, America and India have surely come a long way.

Each country has its set of wonders and woes when it comes to ethical governance, security, education, healthcare, environmental preservation and a host of other factors that ascertain quality of life.

Till present, I have had spend a considerable portion of my life in two democratic states, and experienced my own version of their pros and cons upfront. I haven’t sourced any external site because it is best to take any news on politics with a pinch of namak. Unless, of course, you prone to high BP and/or are news anchor Arnab Goswami.

Here is my quick recap in 5 paragraphs or less. Cue “Let’s See How Far We’ve Come” by Matchbox Twenty.

One country does better to live up to its tenets of democracy and deter crimes with stringent regulation, tough law enforcement and an effective national emergency helpline because of the high value placed on the life of its citizens. Yet the nation needs amends in areas of gun control to curb violence and address mental health issues of the not so sane, and friendlier immigration policies to encourage innovation (and tax revenue generation) from the insanely bright. Moreover, as the full effect of the economic stimulus continues to be ascertained, many of the country’s working class residents still struggle with having access to affordable healthcare, education and housing and are unable to relinquish themselves from their self-created debt.

The other democracy has made tremendous progress to reduce poverty and build a working economy of many bright and honest thinkers after six decades of independence in spite of the looming threats from domestic insurgents and spilling over of neighborly terrorist activities. Yet, it is still coping up to prevent its decay under its heavy mold of corruption and modus operandi of bribery and at the very least, provide food, space and shelter to its billion plus populace.

One government’s administration is criticized for its policing advise to foreign nations and loss of precious lives and resources from troop invasion into the temperamental, terror ridden regions. Meanwhile, the first African-American head of state paddles his much-needed socio-economic reforms and healthcare policies at the expense of the drowning pool of deficit, with due Chinese interest, and so generously bequeathed to him by his (lone) star predecessor. Even then, the star-spangled nation claims its presence as an unofficial “role model” of governance for other democracies and nations, striving to be democracy.

The other democratic administration is often mocked for its lethargic response to pending cases of injustice and even an inadvertent sneeze from the first-ever turbaned head of the state is misconstrued as a “break of silence.” Even then, the incumbent PM has made unparalleled strides to restructure India’s economy, notably as a Finance Minister in the 90s to liberalize India at par with the alluring West, whose brand-naming culture spread faster than the service of fast food chains that cropped up from the same hemisphere. Today, the Indian economy may not be as strong as a BRIC^* but its development is certainly a marvelous feat when compared to the crumbling status of some of its subcontinent neighbors. India may struggle with its developing means but its greatest asset will always be its unity in diversity.

With overlaps of Columbus’s Indian coinage of American natives and the British expulsion, there is one more interesting overlap between India and America, this time, shared by the present-day heads of both nations.

The current President of one nation channeled his way to victory by preaching “Change” that parallels the Gandhian approach of “Be the Change you wish to see in the world.” The current Prime Minister of the other nation represents a political party that has been ruled by the Gandhian name (not genes) for generations. The latter is all thanks to Indira Gandhi, daughter of India’s first Prime Minister post British independence, who herself happened to be India’s first female Prime Minister.

*BRIC is an acronym developed by British economist Jim O’Neill in 2001 to indicate the rising economic strength and rapidly growing development of four key nations — Brazil, Russia, India and China.

Politics 101

Democracy is a form of governance where people directly participate in the law-making process or elect state officials to represent them (Greek roots: demos– people, kratos– rule/power)

Republic is a form of governance where the affairs of state are NOT ruled by a private ruler/monarch but fall under the purview of the general public (Latin: res publica- public matter)

A nation can be governed by both forms (US and India), either (UK as a democracy but not a Republic and Russia as a republic but not a democracy) or neither (North Korea).

The Shadow Poet

She took a glance at the featured artist column of the daily newspaper and was happy to see a new poem published that day.

The Boy Who Cried…

My office chair cannot compare to the comfort of my mother’s lap, the sound of her beating heart made me feel alive
My new car cannot compare to the playground swings, those swings would bring me closer to the sky
I lost my mother to a drunk in a car, the swings to the construction of an office with more chairs
I changed into a man from a boy, but those memories as a boy, I cannot say good-bye

My father showed no love, the sounds of his beating my mother made me fill up with quiet rage
I was beaten too, with his hand and his belt, even as I grew bigger, with age
He showed no remorse when my mother died, I think his heart is hollow inside
He asked for respect in return for his beating and each time I looked up to the sky with tears in my eyes
I changed into a man from a boy, but those memories as a boy, I cannot say good-bye 

The odd jobs I did after school taught me how to live and penny after penny, I paid my father’s debt
He was broke himself yet he sent me broken to bed
The sky gave me rain so I could cry without shame and I made the resolve to run away
In me, there is still a boy, a boy who still cries

–The Shadow Poet

The English was simple but the words conveyed in ample measure, the poet’s pain and his innocence, carefully separated by every cut of a comma splice. She folded up the paper and put it under her desk. The lunch break was over and she had to spend the rest of the day responding to customer queries on the phone and by mail. She knew she wouldn’t get home before 8pm.

When she left the office, she felt fortunate to catch a glimpse of the sun before it set and disappeared until its punctual attendance the following day. That was the beauty of the summer. The days would be longer. But everyone wanted more hours in the day. Her colleagues would often complain they didn’t have enough time to do the things they liked.

She was content by reading the poems that somehow brought time to stand still. The concept of time was a silly human invention, she thought. A judge can announce how much time you must serve for a sentence; a doctor can estimate how much time it will take for you to recover from an illness or remain alive, if it is terminal; a pessimist may think how much more time do I have left to live with every passing birthday and an unscrupulous capitalist may think how much more money I can make with every second of my time. Impatience disrespects the value of time and materialism prints it into a currency to expense our youth, and at times, our morals. On the contrary, it can teach us to value the moments in which time resides.

Prakash was the one who introduced her to the poetry section of the newspaper. She appreciated his kind nature and the fondness grew over the same invention of time. If she could confide in anyone about her feelings, she would trust Prakash. He had the most authentic spirit she had ever seen in a man. He didn’t share much about his life but he enjoyed hearing her speak. They both enjoyed their chemistry that way. She prodded him about his life a few times but nothing major was revealed apart from the fact that he had been living away from home ever since he joined boarding school. He shared no attachment with his family, except a distant relative on his mother’s side who would reach out to him on occasion. Prakash enjoyed listening to the stories of her family functions, perhaps living vicariously off of her memories which he could have made with his own.

The whole office knew they were dating. Humans waste so much of their time in gossip, in constant curiosity of the lives of other souls, when their own is wandering for a sense of direction.

The following month, a new poem was published under the same pen name, “The Shadow Poet.” It was shorter than usual.

Time and Love

Love has a way of making you and breaking you, all together so seamlessly, it’s ineffable.

It makes us do things we never imagined we could, or would, good and bad, because

from it, all other manifestations of humanity surface.

But in all these mixed up emotions, there is one thing we never fail to misplace – Time.

That same day, Prakash professed his love to her and shared his most intimate secret. That he was the Shadow Poet. That he would publish his poems anonymously in the paper, so that she could read them without knowing his identity. He felt relieved to lessen his burden by telling her.

“Please don’t tell anyone else I write them. Please. I don’t want to be seen as vulnerable. I am strong, very strong.”

She upheld the sanctity of his secret and told no one, though she was curious to know if he was the boy who cried. They would make love whenever she would come over to his place. He liked it when she caressed his forehead and would let him rest on her lap. He continued to write more poems, the quality of them becoming more optimistic than the last.

“Can I ask you one question?”

“Yes?”

“Why did you name yourself as the Shadow Poet?”

“I like the word shadow. Wherever you go, it follows. It’s an integral reminder of our physical selves and the best part is that it is only visible in the presence of light. I don’t see why people make such a negative connotation out of it.”

One evening, she hinted to him that he should be recognized for his writing with his own name. She was the brunt of his cold nature for the first time.

“I write as a means of catharsis, not for the recognition. Please don’t ever make mention about my writing again.”

“I’m sorry, I was just…”

“I shouldn’t have ever told you it was me.”

“Prakash, I didn’t tell anyone else.”

“I want you to leave.”

 “What? Why are you…?”

“Just leave.”

The following week, he wrote his last and final poem, and let it remain untitled.

 

A caress, a gentle stroke leading to a passionate elope,

A listless glance can very well exude the warmth of being wanted.

A forlorn heartbeat that refuses to let go of any new hope,

Leaving aside another dangerous mind, blotted.

– The Shadow Poet

In the months that ensued, he quit his writing and grew distant to her.

She moved away, just as well.

Years passed and Prakash married another woman, arranged by his maternal Uncle. The wife’s family was rooted in a male dominant school of thought. Her mother taught her what she was taught by her own. That a woman is nothing without her man, that she must please him and keep him happy, that a woman must make all the adjustments to remain in a marital union with her man.

Within two years of their marriage, they had one son. The temple priest decided, by what Prakash assumed was random assertion, that the child’s name must begin with the start of the alphabet. To merit his claims of holiness and satisfy the superstitions of the wife’s family, they named their child Akash (meaning ‘sky’) which also happened to be contained within Prakash’s own name.

The abuse began thereafter. The first time Prakash hit his wife and his son, he felt a bit of remorse. The second time was easier. Eventually, with every hit, the guilt faded as well.

He chose to sleep in a separate room from his wife. He could hear Akash sobbing on occasion, in their bedroom adjacent to his. Akash remained close to his mother but seldom spoke to his father.

The abuse stopped the day Prakash opened his morning newspaper and noticed a new entry in the young artist column.

My father

When I grow up, I will not beat my wife the way my father does

When I grow up, I will not beat my son the way my father does

My father asks for respect in return for his beating and each time I look up to the sky with tears in my eyes

In me, there is a boy, a boy who is not afraid to cry

–Akash, Age 11

Debunking Myths about Relinquishing Dietary Meat/Turning into Sauropods

Sauropod is the name accorded to the largest animals to have ever walked on earth based on evidence of good fossil remains.

Meet Supersaurus, a genus (taxonomic rank) of sauropods.

And here’s another interesting fact that makes Supersaurus and the rest of the sauropods even more Super– they were plant eaters. Dinosaurs are long extinct but let’s talk about another species that is putting many animals into extinction – humans.

As a member of that species, I grew up in a vegetarian family where meat was never cooked at home but my parents gave their children the liberty to eat meat outside at restaurants. I never ate beef because my family is Hindu. Cows are accorded with the great distinction of being a divine abode of Gods as part of Hindu mythology and religion. Moreover, cows bestow us with milk and the many delicious foods originating from it.

India, as a secular state, prospers with a multitude of beautiful religions intermingling with each other and there is no doubt that many Hindus, in addition to people of other faiths, eat beef and other kinds of meat. Yet the irony is rather jaw-dropping that a country of over 900 million Hindus is also the world’s largest exporter of beef (since 2012).

Though I have never been very religious, I used to think that as a Hindu, eating chicken is fine so as long as I am not touching cow’s meat. Boy, was I foolish to think that! And though I intend to be no preacher of any ideology, my vegetarian stance on diet has allowed me to be in a more divine union or yoga with God, spiritually speaking. 

As a child, I remember one family trip in particular. We chanced to visit France where my dad was scoffed by a local, “Go back to America!” because he was speaking English, albeit, in an Indian accent. The only vegetarian items available that we could order with our “phoren” accents and limited knowledge of French were ironically, french fries, and some customary bread and salad. My dad kept repeating the following line, “No meat! No meat!” which he still makes use of today in any new restaurant. I must admit that his line helped us from getting served any escargots as appetizers in France.

But that trip was 13 years ago. Today, all of humanity realizes the benefits of including more vegetables and fruits in our diet. Airlines, entertainment venues, and restaurants across the globe have begun catering to everyone’s peculiar dietary needs (many food related allergies stemming from processed GMO laden foods) and they have a variety of vegetarian options available on demand. A great number of cafes have cropped up that are purely vegan and organic in nature and continue to do very good business. And Jai gow mata, you are just in thyme! 

Here’s a glimpse of the wondrous benefits of Mother Nature and her green cabinet of herbs. 

2013 has been an eye-opening year in many ways till date. One of them includes becoming a permanent vegetarian. After tuning the spiritual antennas in equilibrium with my consciousness, I can no longer justify my actions to pick one animal that gets killed and eaten, while the other is worshiped or saved on account of a religion I was born into.

One question I asked myself is — How can I place more value, more love, and more respect for a pet versus the animal on my plate?

I had many friends and family question the reasoning behind “Why did you become a vegetarian?” as if the matter merited as much seriousness as changing my faith.

It’s a choice. It’s none of my business with regards to what you eat and don’t eat. It’s your body, hence your willful decision.  

This picture depicts my answer quite beautifully.

Whenever I chance to interact with animals, whether it be a family pet or feeding crumbs of Indian bread to pigeons in my veranda (I assure you the roti is good to eat and I’m not contributing to the bird flu epidemic), I feel content to have overcome that monumental contradiction in my life.

We can only learn and advance with contradictions. 
The faithful inside should meet the doubtful. The doubtful should meet the faithful. Human slowly advances and becomes mature when he accepts his contradictions. 

~ Shams Tabrizi

The truth I have come to realize is that we are all connected together. All of life, whether it be human, plant or animal, deserves our equal respect.

Perhaps you are already a vegetarian because your family is vegetarian. Perhaps you are interested in becoming a vegetarian. In any case, here are some common myths associated with becoming vegetarian:

1) Not getting enough protein

“The problem isn’t that people, in developed countries, aren’t getting enough protein, it’s that they’re getting too much! Eating excessive amounts of animal protein has been linked to the development of endometrial, pancreatic, and prostate cancers. Nutrition experts estimate that most of us need between 0.8 and 1 gram of protein per day for every kilogram of body weight. While virtually all vegan foods contain some amount of protein, soybeans are protein powerhouses. Soybeans contain all the essential amino acids and surpass all other plant foods in the amount of protein that they can deliver to humans. Other rich sources of non-animal protein include legumes, nuts and seeds.”

Source: http://www.peta.org/living/vegetarian-living/how-much-protein-do-i-need.aspx

What about developing countries, you ask? It is fair to say that the poorest of the poor don’t get adequate protein, let alone food, leading to high levels of malnutrition. A simple, nutritious and affordable diet of beans or lentils along with staple of rice or bread in their diet can counter that as long as the government funds are properly allocated and meal schemes, ethically implemented. We don’t need Mosanto to mess with our soy, milk and the rest of our crops. Barring man-made toxicities from the environment, you are also less likely to see a poor man suffer from (rich man) diet related illnesses of heart disease, diabetes, obesity and many forms of cancer which makes one wonder how developed our food eating habits have really become. 

Caveat: Virtually 90%+ of the soybean in US is genetically modified so please take care to consume only non-GMO soy. You can get your Omega 3s from flax seeds, healthy protein from beans and lentils and all your fixes of vitamins, fiber and nutrients directly from vegetables. Check for the following label(s) to identify pure organic produce at your local food market. 

2) Concern about Building Muscle on a Vegetarian Diet (Especially For Men)

Let me present you with a photo of a 35 year old Indian actor by the name of Vidyut Jamwal, who quit eating meat roughly 10 years ago.

“After I switched to being a vegetarian, everything in my life changed. Every good thing is happening. I really mean it because I saw transformations in my body, my mind. I could feel the connectivity between my brain and my body. That’s the only reason that was very selfish. After that I started evolving with my physical ability. I realized that I am more agile, faster,” the PETA supporter/actor was quoted as saying in an interview.

Now unless you are Micheal Phelps and intend to consume 12,000+ calories in a single day, then you should be fine getting sufficient protein to build muscle from a vegetarian diet. There are also many options for vegan based protein formulas in supermarkets that help athletes build a great bod.

3) Lack of Food choices as a Vegetarian

Don’t pity me because I don’t eat meat. I have plenty of awesome food choices to select from like mango salsa, black bean and lentil soups, thai red, yellow and green curries, idli sambhar, spinach quiches, veggie noodles, fruit smoothies, pesto and avocado panini, just to name a few. Desserts are even more splendid unless you want some of Rachel Green’s meat pudding.

If you have grown up on a diet of animals, then you may not be as aware of the plethora of options available to eat as a vegetarian. Contrary to popular belief, there is more to a life of a vegan or a vegetarian than just a measly salad or as my Indian counterparts would say, “ghaas-phoos.” And no, I don’t chew my food like a cow grazes on a field. I would “moo” about more food options but that would take an “udder”ly long time.

4) Animals are meant to be reared for human consumption

As humans, we don’t have the authority to exercise such injustice against animals. Then again, we have plentiful instances of human rights violations so it is difficult to expect similar justice for animals when they are accorded with a lower status than humans.

Some common phrases from people who find becoming vegetarian an impossible task:

1) “I like my pet dog/cat. I would never eat those animals, but turkey and bacon? Gobble gobble!”

If animals don’t make such a distinction between each other, why are we?

2) “Chickens are meant to lay eggs, cows are meant to give milk etc. There are so many animals reared in farms, might as well (ab)use them for our own good, right?”

If I had a cow in my backyard and treated her with utmost respect and love, I would be grateful to take care of her, her calves and receive the gift of her milk. But the milk industry has become so cruel to cows that my best bet is to avoid purchasing milk products at the supermarket and replace it with coconut milk and other nutritious varieties. As far as meat is concerned, did it ever occur to you that the thousands of acres of farmlands used to grow crops to rear animals raised solely for meat can go towards food production to lessen the severity of food crisis? For more info on the topic of global warming and meat consumption, please see : http://www.peta.org/issues/animals-used-for-food/global-warming.aspx

The Food Industry just like any other industry works on profit so if more humans desire meat, more meat will be made available at the cost of an animal’s health by feeding them a substandard, low-cost diet. (Humans do the same when they eat fast food). And then to appease the world hunger problem, companies like Mosanto (former manufacturer of agent orange and DDT) will come along to genetically modify the very DNA of our grains and crops to increase yield when the problem can be averted by reducing meat consumption and demanding organic produce in the first place. As one Anonymous post once said, “So as long as there is profit in war, there will be no peace.” I sincerely believe in merit based capitalism as long as ethics are maintained in for-profit domains and I am all for application of ethical science in our food as long as the scientific practices are not anti-nature (natural cross-pollination/hybridization as a form of good science vs synthetic genetic modification as a form of bad science defended by flawed, biased studies undertaken by Mosanto itself) 

http://www.takepart.com/photos/food-inc-facts/the-impact-of-food-inc-lives-on-

3) “I cannot give up meat because it is too damn delicious!”

Want to know the real reason that stops us from quitting meat?

Our ego.

I’m not talking about the kind of ego that upholds our self-interest to act on our intellect. I wouldn’t describe that as ego, but as having the conviction in our own strengths to make a difference in the world without, simply put, taking any cow dung from negative ideologies and remarkably fake and ignorant people.

4) Now some of you may say- What good can becoming a vegetarian do? We can die from possibly anything today because toxicities and calamities are everywhere — from the hormones and diseases in our meat and milk, from the GMOs infested seeds in our wheat and pesticides in our veggies, from the aspartame of our (die)t sodas, from our pharma drugged water supply, from road accidents, from natural disasters, from the polluted thoughts in our mind etc.

True. But prevention and action to change trumps it all. Else, why would we look both ways before crossing the road?

5) If you ever get a humorous justification from a non-vegetarian friend like this…

Here’s my logical response inspired from a lecture by Professor Bryant at Rutgers University:

An apple falls naturally to the ground for our consumption. When you eat the apple, you do not kill the tree that bore the fruit because the tree has the gift to grow more apples naturally. When you eat meat, you kill the animal before consumption.

(Professor Bryant- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edwin_Bryant_(author)):

Three Gunas of Ayurveda 

In the human context, guna usually refers to the quality of the mind and character of a person. That is, whether they are calm, gentle, patient and tolerant (sattvic), passionate, spontaneous, greedy, materialistic, exploitative and focused on sense gratification (rajasic), or ignorant, lazy, insensitive and deceitful (tamasic). All three types of guna are present in everyone, and each may be displayed in different contexts. People can alternate between gunas depending on the environmental context and their diet, as well as phase of life and other factors. This is because the guna of food consumed, and the surrounding social or physical environment directly influence the mind guna.  Just as the five elements are present and may alternate in predominance depending on the environment, the various gunas may dominate in particular circumstances. As human beings, our objective is to increase our sattvic guna by choosing to eat and do those things that are also sattvic in nature. The quality of the food we eat, and our environment, are therefore crucial to maintaining mental health.

Source: http://www.jiva.com/ayurveda/about-ayurveda/32.html

The reason why I talk about these three gunas is because we all have the capability to achieve the sattvic guna and move away from rajasic and tamasic gunas.

I’ll provide two examples of friends who moved from sattvic to rajasic and vice versa.

1) My friend felt that he needed to become more aggressive to succeed in his workplace. His kind, benevolent nature would not allow him to be more competitive as what he conceived of himself as a gentle, animal-loving vegetarian so he resorted to eating meat. Turns out that little experiment worked and he continues to eat meat (and other undisclosed habits) occasionally in his effort to maintain his competitive mindset. 

2) Another friend chanced to visit a poultry farm where she got a firsthand peek of the cruel fashion in which chickens are slaughtered. Essentially, a butcher pulls a chicken out of its compact cage, much to the animal’s fear and reluctance. Why do you think all the chickens huddle up to one corner of the cage? To be as far away from the individual who intends to kill it. She imagined herself in the position of those animals and realized that she was no different from them for she would have acted the same way. Needless to say, she doesn’t eat meat anymore.

A Short Note on Health and Vegetarianism

Ayurveda (Ayur-life; veda-knowledge) teaches us that when we eat meat, we absorb the fear, the animosity, the anger, the bitterness and all such negative emotions from the animal itself hence deviating us from a sattvic guna to the lower denominations of gunas.

The world is seeing a rise in diet-related illnesses which are preventable and curable through an increase in the uptake of organic fruits and vegetables. And Mother Nature has provided us with the best pharmacy in the world. 

Conclusion

There a multitude of causes to care about in the world and it is difficult to actively support a cause or adopt a new one when we may be reeling with our own problems at home. Regardless, above all issues, we should care about our environment for we completely depend upon it for our existence.

Humans can never come above the environment.

No one is suggesting you make a one man army to clean the River Ganga all by yourself but simple acts such as recycling, reducing plastic consumption, removing meat from your diet, taking public transportation when and where possible, can all make a lasting change, especially coupled together with the rest of the world. Other simple tips, unrelated to relinquishing dietary meat, is reducing plastic by installing a water filter at home and carrying a steel case water bottle and for the women– using environment friendly pads can make significant difference in the waste landfills build up for our future.

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/01/13/still-using-tampons-or-pads-you-should-read-this/

It is your choice to accept or reject what I say. Don’t quit eating meat because I provided some information or PETA had a celebrity you like who turned vegetarian. Do it because you want to. Do it because you feel good to make your own impact. Do it because you want to better the balance of natural systems inside and outside of your body.

Top 10 Tips to Make a Hit Movie in Bollywood

Before I reveal the hit phormulas in the year that marks 100 years of Indian cinema, let me first take you on a journey to the magical land of Bollywood on my flying carpet.

White folks, just for the record — Aladdin is not Indian and the only snakes we involuntarily charm are the depraved politicians.

Bollywood is a place where:-

• All unsuspecting passerbys start dancing in perfect choreography in every gaana
• Traditional musicians (Stay calm and listen to AR Rahman) are revered for their divine talent far beyond their auto-tuned, disco beat plagiarizing competitors
• The on-screen presence of nearly all mainstream, lip-synching actors is neatly tucked behind their nip and tuck
• Commercial actresses are marketed as the likes of Munni, Sheila, Babli and Laila to lure the male audience to come watch, at least for the item song, if not the scriptless movie
• The annual award functions outnumber the availability of acclaimed actors who can match up to the legacy left by their yesteryear cinematic idols — Legendary actor Pran, who starred in over 300 Bollywood films, managed to bag a couple of prestigious awards in his lifetime. Last year, the guy who played Vicky Donor bagged as many awards as the number of sperm he donated in his movie.
• Foreign artists who may not be as appreciated in their own homeland, are welcomed as imported gifts to India
• And last but not least, out of the bajillion and one movies churned out each year, most of which revolve around some hoodwinking love story, only a handful are worthy of taking one’s brain along to the cinema hall.

At the end of the day, anything that is presented to the public is open to criticism. As a self-appointed Bollywood critic, I admit I am no expert to make any technical or artistic comments as a lot of hard work goes into a putting a good script into celluloid – for e.g. spot boys holding the umbrella so the actors can maintain their white complexion all year round.

While I am thankful for those few Bollywood movies that highlight and wittingly criticize the reality of India’s status quo on the pressurizing and unimaginative education system (3 Idiots), the wrongdoing in the medical, legal and political professions, the crimes against women (Lajja), the grievances of the farmers etc., Bollywood, in general, much like the sport of Cricket, will always thrive as an integral part of Indian cultural discourse.

Folks, sit back, relax, ’cause the following tips are gonna satiate all of your filmy taste buds. Grab some refrigerated Frooti, just in case.

#1 Rich vs Poor Dichotomy

This is the classic hit formula that has clean bowled Indian audiences for many generations. Some filmmakers still pull a googly with it, making it more overused than the burnt chai ki patti boiling to its finest carbon monoxide level at local road stands. Such scripts revolve around varying equations of a boy, a girl, their disproportionate wealth and their uniting zeal for love. For that extra hit factor, insert a dream sequence in Switzerland with a tree, a cozy fire, the heroine in scantily clad black sari parading in the snow and hypothermia. I recommend sneaking in a packet of fatafat with you in the theater for digestion because there will be a whole lot of romantic barfing. Don’t forget to add a villain who wants to rape the heroine, or hoard the wealth of the rich protagonist by virtue of a business transaction masked in the form of marriage alliance, or has no other occupation than to make any one of the following constipated faces.

(Immense respect for first three. I dunno how the last cock-a-doodle-do made the cut.)

# 2 One Man Army/Police Eshtud

With the success of Dabangg, fillum writers across the board were hit by a severe drought of their free flowing intellect when they decided –

Why not make movies about the one thing India desperately needs:

Symmetrical moustache and matching hairstyle banane waale, maa ka dood peene waale, raat ko goggle shoggle pehne waale, Rajnikant stunts maarne waale – Indian police guy!

Don’t even think about calling for backup. This cop can handle it alone and how!

I can kill bad guys and woo women with the same move – by looking horny.

Of course, the rest of the police brigade does arrive after completing their afternoon rituals of chai and samosa. They conveniently handcuff the beaten up perpetrators and thank the cop for his latkas and jhatkas.

You gotta love the irony when an actor who should be in jail for a crime in real life is acting as the Robin Hood crime crusader. At least his Munna Bhai Babba Sanju (MBBS) counterpart is humble enough to accept his time behind bars.

Other [Cop]y Cat examples:

Rowdy Rathore

Have a wife who is trapped by a ganglord’s son who is molesting her in front of your face?

No problem. Call the identical in every way except Bihar da lalla Rathore who keeps jabbering “Don’t angry me” and yet the audience is left fuming with that exact same emotion when the curtain rolls down and our IQ is restored to normalcy.

Khiladi 786383784834

Forgive me, I chose to ignore this movie after seeing Akshay’s monkey dance and his unique fetish for prancing around phoren women who miraculously know enough Hindi to say, “Fire brigade mang wa de tu.” Seriously, someone please call the fire police and extinguish our anguish.

Singham

Dvgn’s (I removed all vowels because the man changed his spelling too many times for anyone to give a doodoo) brilliant performance of putting his hand on vibrator mode which metaphysically echoes into the roar of a lion. It conveniently scares off the bad guys who seem to get a thrashing all in one nice line that is reminiscent of the British Army.

#3 Make a Sequel to a Movie that Did Decent Bijiness

Sequels in Bollywood can be twofold. Either they have nothing to do with the original (The crappy Aashiqui installment pooped by the Bhatt camp) or they are no different from the original (Dabangg series – though I did notice some difference in the length of Sonakshi Sinha’s blouses from the trailers. Also beware folks – Munni and her mujjhar husband will make a third installment and feature themselves in a cameo because no one else is hiring them except perhaps, Comedy Circus Ke Ajoobe.)

The fact that such sequels manage to make outstanding number of crores at the box office in distinct districts of India gives us an excellent indicator of which areas need greater intervention of common sense literacy programs.

#4 Can’t Control the Ants in My Pants Rockstar

99.23% of Bollywood actors can’t sing. And those who can sing are NOT, how should I put this, Khans, Kapoors or poore ke poore filmy Khandani chorey to even get the opportunity to get noticed, let alone, star in a flick.

So we are left with lip-synchers. It’s not a problem until the actor is playing a singer and then all vocal chords break loose from their sulky stereotyped performance. The background vocals are far from being sore-throated but the actors are an eyesore for sure. In reality, background singers in Bollywood are perfectly normal individuals that do not need alcohol, sex and substance abuse rehab.

# 5 Uncles Romancing Actresses Their Daughter’s Age

When it’s comes to leading actors in our industry, the more they age, the younger looking roles they play. There are a plethora of movies abounding with 40 year olds playing students ready to enter college, or even a rare 60 year old playing a kid ready to enter elementary school (Paa). Granted some do a marvelous job of it but some just make you wonder how many injections of Botox (to freeze normal face lifts), how many packets of Shalini mehndi (to add a tinge of orange to your white hair) and how many bags of Shalimar Baag tea (to remove puffiness under the eyes) were employed.

# 6 Rich Folks with Unknown Income Sources/Black Money

In general, Karan Johar is allergic to showing the slightest bit of poverty in his movies.

For example, boys with ten pack muscles don’t drive Ferraris to school. What about a posh Mercedes, you ask? That’s totally acceptable in private institutions in India (*cough* DPS).

Man, I would have actually enjoyed my high school experience if boys were dancing in corridors like this.

However, the only dancing I got to see was a group of the same 10 oddly sized women flexing to La Gasolina in every school function. Because Shiamak Davar and Ashley Lobo love their Daddy Yankee.

Who the hell has prom in college? More importantly, which guy has such low self-esteem to stand in line to get rated by a woman whose name is Poo?

The boys in Johar’s movies usually respond with this type of lecherous facial expression.

And naturally, the girls respond just as well.

Kabhi Bum Kabhi Dum Maaro Dum 

How to find a long lost brother in London? Simple! Go to a Cyber Cafe. Search name on a public website. Viola! Find their address which leads to a mansion. No wonder UK was called the crime capital of Europe in 2010.

Knock Knock, Kajol. An income tax collector is here. 

# 7 The Ultimate Threesome

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai– (English translation: Something something, happening happening)

Moral of the story– In order to be united with your true love — Let him pick another woman over you, marry her, have a kid with her, for some horrible reason, let the other woman die from pregnancy related complications, let their kid get old enough to read letters left by her mother to finally come haunt you at a time when you have finally moved on and become engaged to a handsome man.

Even then, it takes three more dance sequences and an awkward gazebo scene for your old lover boy to actually start thinking about you in that lovey dovey way. D’awww! The saturated ghee of my phulka just melted.

Who the hell still falls for this crap?

Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon

This movie is a typical love triangle, though from the overacting, it seems to be about three psychopaths on drugs. You will get tired of seeing everyone with their overly exaggerated responses to simple worldly phenomenon. Some critics claim that Hrithik Roshan went a step beyond his “Koi Mil Gaya” performance in this movie. Watch it, but only on some Babaji ki Booty!

Jab Tak Hai Jaan

Teri zulfon ki leharaati angdaiyaan, Nahi bhoolunga main
Tera palat ke phir na dekhna, Nahin maaf karunga main
Chhoti chhoti teri bachkani badmashiyon se, Mohabbat karunga main
Teri be-raham duaaon se, Nafrat karunga main

In essence, these beautifully contradictory poetic lines convey that he will always love and hate her, but never forget nor forgive her. Phew! That’s a lot of emotional baggage folks. 

These lines give me the impression of a highly fragmented person, almost one with multiple personalities.That kind of a person doesn’t need to hang around potentially dangerous bombs because he is going to emotionally explode any instant. Maybe that tagline would have fetched the movie more crores at the box office.

#8 Depict women in such a way that propels feminist upheaval

DDLJ

Dear Indian fathers – Don’t force your daughter to marry an Indian guy who smokes and shoots animals after giving her one month of all-you-can-enjoy debauchery in Europe. And that too because of some childish, childhood pact. How can you expect her to slave for this stranger of a husband when you raised her like an independent woman? Instead, let the London boy whisk her away with his nauseating one-liners and Karva Chauth cuteness.

Pardes

“Ganga apne sasur Kishorilal ki amanat hai.” “Ganga apne Pitaji ki amanant hai.” “Ganga apne hone wali pati ki amanat hai.” Seriously folks, the female protagonist is abused as man’s property just as much as her namesake holy river is polluted in India today. Mahima Chaudary responds to her father with a plea of “Papa, agar aap mujhe zeher peene ko bhi bol dein, toh main pe loongi.” Sanity is restored at the end when the granny of the house gives a lecture to all the men, “The wives, mothers, and daughters of India have been sacrificing and taking in poison for too long. But Ganga will not do so.”

Jab We Met

Read my first post about the khuli hui tijori train scene. My favorite dialogue from this movie was actually not from Geet but from the guy who played Anshuman. “Mujhe ganno ke khet main nahi janaa hai!” LOLOL

Ishaqzaade

It’s amazing how love can blossom when you get screwed over by a man who uses you for a political party win. It’s a blessing that there won’t be any sequels because the two lovers shoot each other in the end.

Chachi 420

Only in India, can you find a woman get hit on by a long list of men, even though she is actually a young man disguised as an old maid. No woman is spared.

Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani

“Main udna chahta hoon naina, potty karna chahta hoon, ass ka hole badatameez banna chahta hoon”

YJHD is just endless songs dropping on our heads like pigeon poo, and a semblance of a script wrapped around it. There are some really pathetic dialogues like, “If girls have fun your age, they end up getting pregnant” – Naina’s mom. Or Energizer Bunny’s attempts to make Naina loosen up on their trip and become as energized (read: horny) as him — “Relax Naina, it’s not like you have AIDS.” Enjoy a random item song that yet again makes you wonder which Disneyland part of the Red Light District they were trying to showcase because the movie commences with a Madhuri style munni on Prozac, all the way from Dilli and wait for it……Vi(agra).

Raanjhanaa

What do Kundan, Jay Gatsby and even that guy from 500 Days of Summer have in common? Deep-seated infatuation with one individual whom they hope will complete their lives. If someone is not reciprocating your interest, the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and for everyone else involved, is to move the eff on. We’ve seen the self-sacrificial essence of love umpteen times before. Arvind slashed his wrist for Manisha in the classic Tu Hi Re melody in Bombay but such suicidal tendencies ruin the innocence of the movie because you can’t force someone to love you. If you do, it’s not love buddy. It’s called being selfish.

Whatever happened to – True love does not possess. Or if you really love someone, let them be free and if they come back, they’re yours forever, else they never were.

It seems like those theories went down the Benaras gutters with the rest of the myriad Holi colors. The boy barges his way into his beloved’s life time and time again, so much so that his only means of redemption is to die for her sake. A.R. Rahman’s soulful music (e.g.Tum Tak has notes of a religious ballad because Kundan ‘worshipped’ Zoya) and the ending dialogue salvages maybe 35% of the movie. The rest of the time you’ll be wondering – why didn’t that girl obtain a restraining order?

# 9 Make a Movie Revolving Around a Popular Topic such as Punjabis or a Car or Both

Meri Dad Ki Maruti

I just have to acknowledge the bravery of the cast to show an Indian version of twerking inspired by this Punjabi woman.

Other example includes : Do Dooni Char, Ferrari Ki Sawaari, Namastey London (Funjabi Boy impressing a girl with a short blurb about Indian newspapers and our diverse Indian leaders), Dil Bole Hadippa (Punjabi spirit plus Cricket) 

#10 If all else fails – Let the audience think for themselves

Lootera

The sexual tension is easily palpable, yet there is not one ounce of vulgarity in any leaf of the ‘foliage’ of breathtaking scenes between star-crossed Pakhi and Varun.

Gangs of Wasseypur 

Nothing is sugarcoated. Reality is as reality does in the coal mafia portrayal and blood-curdling violence of Jharkhand.

3 Idiots

This movie should have been retitled 3 and half idiots. Why? Because Kareena leaves the man who treated her like a profit and loss statement, only to become willing to marry him again after several years of not hearing back from Rancho. More importantly, if Viru(s) knew the salary of Rancho’s father when he compared it to Raju and Farhan’s family income, couldn’t he have gotten some information about his whereabouts after he disappeared?  

Forget Raju Rastogi. This is how an induction motor really starts 🙂

Conclusion & Personal Recommendations

Box office collections aren’t always a barometer of good cinema in India. My personal tips to fillum-makers out there:

1) Make a movie with an interesting title that speaks to everyone in any generation. I came up with “Biwi ka Ghulam ya Maa baap ka Ghanshyam”

2) Or follow this timeless motto: “Life main teen cheezon ke peeche nahi bhaagne chahiye –     bus, train, aur ladki.”

The only tip I can provide about what kind of film NOT to make is:

Love Story 2050– No movie has defied science more than a story about a guy who searches for his beloved by traveling in a time machine into the future. Here’s the fatal flaw- His lover already died in the present!!

A Deliciously Easy Ice-cream Recipe That Will Make You Go Bananas!

This message has been approved by the Adorable Minion foundation.

• Do you have a sweet tooth?
• Are you afraid of overdosing on ice-cream calories after watching [insert sentimental soap opera] which somehow mimics your own love life, or lack thereof?

No worries.

This 100% natural ice-cream recipe will satiate your cravings and keep you in good shape. Trust me, I’m vegan.

 

The recipe is so simple, even a three-fingered minion can make it. Even more so because the key ingredient is their all-time favorite fruit – a banana.

So, are you ready to make some potassium enriched nutritious dessert in 3 easy steps?

[This is the only time when it’s acceptable to respond with “K.”]

Step 1: Chop up a banana and place it in your freezer overnight

Step 2: Blend the frozen banana slices into a cold and creamy mixture

(Optional : Add a small glass of coconut milk for even more yummy in the tummy. I use the Organic, Unsweetened, Non-GMO Coconut Milk from Whole Foods Market. As the name suggests, it is “So Delicious” and might I add, so good for all vegans and/or lactose intolerants out there. You can also buy the coconut milk ice-cream from the same brand.)

p.s. I am not lactose intolerant but I have my reservations with the dairy industry and the cruel practices of torturing cows, separating the baby calves from their mothers and injecting the bodies of adult cows with so many hormones (manufactured by Mosanto) that all the secretions of pus and other carcinogenic chemicals from their udders end up in the milk we drink.

Stay informed with PETA link below.

http://www.peta.org/issues/animals-used-for-food/dairy-industry.aspx

Eliminating diary from my diet has made a positive impact in my body and mind. For a comprehensive understanding about milk and related health concerns today, do take a minute to read this :

http://www.maximizedliving.com/Home/MaximizedLivingBlog/tabid/772/Article/803/the-safest-healthiest-dairy-products-for-your-family.aspx

Step 3: Your ice-cream is ready!

No need to add sugar. The natural sweetness of the banana is captured right into the dessert. The more bananas you add, the more creamy it becomes. Scoop some into a bowl and make sure to thank Mother Nature for this tasty invention that thankfully, has not been patented by big pharma or any big GMO laden food company.

I added some fresh blueberries and dark chocolate covered almonds (Organic ‘Confectious’ brand from Whole Foods) to my ice-cream. If you blend the chocolate into the mixture, you get a nice nutty flavor.

The whole process took less time than making a bowl of Maggi.

Hope you all try this at home and have a yummy summer!

p.s. I’m not trying to be a one-person army to save the environment. We all know that our choices determine industry demand which drives the way companies treat our environment and animals. I was foolish to have been unaware about the ills of our meat and dairy industry for too long.

Drinking milk and eating meat is an acquired taste. Replacing them with soy, coconut, lentils, beans, etc. and many other healthy alternatives that protect our animals are all a form of acquired tastes as well. If you are a Ron Swanson inspired meat enthusiast, then please keep your Batman moustache to yourself. For everyone else — don’t let the cruelty against animals remain a status quo.

It’s Not Always Sunny in Florida When You Stand Your Ground

Many an epidemics come and go but depravity still at large. Innocent till proven but guilty still as charged? 

The blindfolded lady is heralded as the symbol for justice because justice is served based on the unbiased presentation of evidence, not on the basis of emotions. You remain innocent till proven guilty.

After news of Zimmerman’s verdict of not guilty was announced with mixed responses, I couldn’t help do some research in three uniquely different cases of “Stand Your Ground” Law applied in the state of Florida.

I admit my knowledge on US law is limited and I generally keep clear of those category of folks who pretend to be an expert by watching Law and Order or any other [insert specialized profession] drama. However, I assure you that I have tried my best to isolate and understand the functionality of the Stand Your Ground law without any man-made barriers of race, gender, right or left wing politics, as well as any pressuring media hype that exploits human emotions.

In the United States, stand-your-ground law states that a person may justifiably use force in self-defense when there is reasonable belief of an unlawful threat, without an obligation to retreat first.

Based on the historical 1895 ruling by the Supreme Court of the United States in Beard v. U.S.(158 U.S.550 (1895)):

A man assailed on his own grounds, without provocation, by a person armed with a deadly weapon and apparently seeking his life is not obliged to retreat, but may stand his ground and defend himself with such means as are within his control; and so long as there is no intent on his part to kill his antagonist, and no purpose of doing anything beyond what is necessary to save his own life, is not guilty of murder or manslaughter if death results to his antagonist from a blow given him under such circumstances.

http://supreme.justia.com/cases/federal/us/158/550/case.html

Self-defense Law in Florida

To make one thing clear, Zimmerman’s legal team invoked “Justifiable Use of Force” claim (or self-defense) in court to justify that he had no duty to retreat in a place where he is legally allowed to be (in his case, as a neighborhood watchman) when faced with imminent threat. The police could not arrest him because of the state’s Stand Your Ground Law which allowed his self-defense claim to remain valid due to lack of evidence. It was only after significant media attention, petitions, protests and discovery of evidence, that Zimmerman was put on trial for second degree manslaughter.

 Under Chapter 776 of Florida State Statutes, here is a brief understanding of when it is acceptable to have “Justifiable Use of Force.”

776.012 Use of force in defense of person.—A person is justified in using force, except deadly force, against another when and to the extent that the person reasonably believes that such conduct is necessary to defend himself or herself or another against the other’s imminent use of unlawful force. However, a person is justified in the use of deadly force and does not have a duty to retreat if:

He or she reasonably believes that such force is necessary to prevent imminent death or great bodily harm to himself or herself or another or to prevent the imminent commission of a forcible felony;

For comprehensive overview about the statute, please visit http://floridastandyourground.org/

Punishment awarded in cases of using a gun in Florida

Florida “10-20-life” law was implemented in 1999 and credited with helping to lower the violent crime rate.

Of course, this law isn’t as cut and dry as it sounds. The defendants often get a chance to accept a plea deal and be awarded a lower sentence, sometimes even without a prison sentence.

Let’s take a look at the three unique cases of the law in Florida. As you will see, the outcomes from all these cases transcend racial barriers, age and past criminal history.

1. In 2009, a white 53-year-old Davenport man, with no criminal history, shot a revolver inside his house to scare his daughter’s 17-year-old boyfriend. The bullet struck a wall and no one was hurt. But under Florida law, Orville Lee Wollard was found guilty by a jury of aggravated assault with a firearm, and is already two years into his “mandatory minimum” sentence of 20 years in prison. Wollard rejected a plea deal that offered probation without serving any prison time. Circuit Judge Donald Jacobsen said he was “duty bound” by the 10-20-life law to impose the harsh sentence.
2. In 2010, a black 31 year old mother of three, with no criminal history, fired a gun to scare off her husband when she felt he was threatening her. No one was hurt, but a Florida judge was bound by state law to sentence Marissa Alexander to 20 years in prison in 2012. Alexander rejected a plea deal that would have resulted in a three-year prison sentence and chose to go to trial instead. Like Wollard, she took her chances at trial and was convicted of aggravated assault with a firearm.
3. In 2012, George Zimmerman, a 28 year old multi-racial Hispanic American and community watch coordinator, shot Trayvon Martin, a 17-year-old African American high school student. Zimmerman was tried for second-degree murder and manslaughter and found not guilty on July 13, 2013. Zimmerman was driving in his car when he found Martin walking past the gated fence of the community and claimed that the teenager looked “suspicious.” Zimmerman made a call to local Sanford police about Martin’s activities and the dispatcher recommended that he should not follow behind Martin and wait for the police to handle it. As Martin was fleeing, Zimmerman decided to follow behind Martin anyway, thereby ensuing a violent attack between the two, with grave injuries to Zimmerman and Martin being fatally shot in the chest and dying on the spot. Past record- In 2005, Zimmerman was charged with assaulting a police officer and resisting arrest and in the same year, Zimmerman’s ex-fiance filed a restraining order against him, alleging domestic violence.

Three very different people with two of three being punished based on 10-20-life law and the third being acquitted based on Self-defense claim.

Let’s try to understand the nature of self-defense used in all three aforementioned cases.

Could the defendant have escaped without firing? Was firing a shot absolutely necessary for the defendant’s survival from an attacker?

Case 1: Wollard could have scared away her daughter’s boyfriend without the need to fire a gun. Prosecutors alleged that the bullet created danger and Wollard was aiming for the boyfriend but missed which prevented him from invoking the Stand Your Ground law. Although, the boyfriend did not get hit by the bullet, he could have been killed, they said.

Case 2: Alexander was estranged from her husband, Rico Gray, and had a restraining order against him due to her experience of domestic violence. Nine days before the shooting, Alexander had given birth to their baby. On Aug 1st, 2010, she went to their former home to retrieve the rest of her clothes where Gray was present. An argument ensued, and Alexander said she feared for her life when Gray was coming towards her and was much larger in size than her. She went out to her vehicle and retrieved the gun she legally owned. She came back inside and ended up firing a shot into the wall, which ricocheted into the ceiling. The judge threw out Alexander’s “stand your ground” self-defense claim, noting that she could have run out of the house to escape her husband but instead got the gun and went back inside. A jury deliberated 12 minutes before convicting her.

Here is what Gray testified in court for Alexander’s hearing.

“I honestly think she just didn’t want me to put my hands on her anymore so she did what she feel like she have to do to make sure she wouldn’t get hurt, you know. You know, she did what she had to do.”

“The gun was never actually pointed at me. When she raised the gun down and raised it up, you know, the gun was never pointed at me. The fact is, you know . . . she never been violent toward me. I was always the one starting it. If she was violent toward me, it was because she was trying to get me up off her or stop me from doing.”

(Source: http://samuel-warde.com/2013/06/stand-your-ground-black-woman-fires-sho-gets-20-years-white-man-kills-and-goes-free/ )

The truth is that the mere act of Alexander leaving her home to get away from her abusive husband and returning back with a gun prevented her from invoking her Stand Your Ground claim and was left at the mercy of the 10-20-life’s ruling. The judge was duty-bound to award her the 20 years sentence. From a moral standpoint, the husband should have been put behind bars, not the wife.

Case 3: Zimmerman’s team presented his story in court in such a way that they convinced the jurors that he was being beaten quite brutally during the violent encounter with Martin. This was evident from Zimmerman’s broken nose and head lacerations when the police arrived at the scene. It was unclear as to who was attacking whom from top based on account witnesses. The medical experts examined the injuries of both parties and assumed that Martin had to be the one who attacked Zimmerman from top.

Thoughts to ponder:

• If Martin knew that Zimmerman was carrying a gun, concealed at that time before Zimmerman shot him, he may have thought twice about attacking Zimmerman in the first place.  
• If Zimmerman had followed the orders of the police dispatcher and never followed behind Martin with his gun, this case would have never gotten the media attention it did, let alone, surface as a case.

Questions have been raised about

• why Zimmerman was legally allowed to carry a firearm as a community watchman and,
• why he prejudged Martin as being suspicious.

In late 2009, a dangerous pit bull was on the loose in Twin Lakes community and was a menace to many people including Zimmerman’s family. Zimmerman bought pepper spray but an officer at Seminole County Animal Services advised him to get a gun.

The Zimmermans completed firearms training at a local lodge and received concealed-weapons gun permits. By June 2011, Zimmerman’s attention had shifted from a loose pit bull to a wave of robberies that rattled the community, called the Retreat at Twin Lakes. The homeowners association asked him to launch a neighborhood watch, and Zimmerman would begin to carry the Kel-Tec on his regular, dog-walking patrol – a violation of neighborhood watch guidelines but not a crime.

Though civil rights demonstrators have argued Zimmerman should not have prejudged Martin, one black neighbor of the Zimmermans said recent history should be taken into account.

“Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. I’m black, OK?” the woman said, declining to be identified because she anticipated backlash due to her race. She leaned in to look a reporter directly in the eyes. “There were black boys robbing houses in this neighborhood,” she said. “That’s why George was suspicious of Trayvon Martin.”

(Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/04/25/us-usa-florida-shooting-zimmerman-idUSBRE83O18H20120425)

In Zimmerman’s case, the ruling to acquit him of all charges is Constitutionally sound because of the “right to bear arms” amendment and the invoking of the “Justifiable Use of force” law which was duly upheld based on the assumptions and nature of Zimmerman’s act of self-defense against Martin.

The biggest moral question to ask is – Has been there a misapplication of the scenarios revolving around which the Stand Your Ground law is acceptable and how the 10-20-life law punishes the guilty and the not so guilty?

Personally, yes. 

A vital question we are asking ourselves today are – How can two people who didn’t kill anyone and had no criminal history get sentenced to 20 years in prison, yet a man who killed another individual with past criminal record go scot-free?

In a study of “stand your ground” laws commissioned by the National Bureau of Economic Research, researchers found that in states with “stand your ground” laws, the number of homicides had significantly increased from the years before the law was enacted. They found that the provision that allows self-defense “in any place a person has a legal right to be” is the driver of the increase in homicides. The increase in homicides, they argue, negates the claim that these laws reduce crime.

(Source: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/07/15/stateline-zimmerman-stand-your-ground/2517507/)

To shed light on the moral concerns behind the Stand Your Ground law, let me share one more appalling case of this law from Florida.

Ralph Wald, a white 70-year-old Vietnam War veteran, killed a man, half his age, when he caught the younger man having sex with his wife in their home. Wald was accused of second-degree murder and acquitted of all charges.

His defense?

Wald’s attorney claimed that his client did not recognize the man, who happened to be his wife’s ex-boyfriend. He shot him three times because he believed the man was raping his wife. He invoked “Stand Your Ground Law” to defend his actions to kill and “had no duty to retreat” when faced with danger in his home. The interesting point to note is that when Wald first noticed the couple, he decided to go back to his room to retrieve his handgun and returned to shoot the man who died on the spot. Wald’s wife was completely drunk during the actual event of being intimate with her ex-boyfriend and had no recollection of the event whatsoever. It was shameful for me to read that Wald’s wife was elated when Wald was acquitted and she showed no guilt or remorse about her ex-boyfriend’s murder.

Suggestions to improve the 10-20-life law

After hearing all these cases, it is clear that the punishment from the 10-20-life law needs to become less rigid, and more capable of providing sound justice, not just some one-size-fits all mandatory imprisonment. The judges need to be allowed to exercise their own discretion. Of course, that comes with its own set of grievances as judges may treat an individual worse off based on their own subjective biases. We can only hope that qualified judges don’t act in such a manner.

If we were to be human for one second and put ourselves in the shoes of Mr. Wollard or Mrs. Alexander, we would know that they did not deserve such a harsh punishment. In general, the justice system avoids making exceptions that can set a precedent and gravely affect new cases (Remember Miranda’s rights hearing for Boston bombers?). Laws are tricky because they can work wonders for one case and be completely controversial for another. Critics of the outcome of Zimmerman’s case feel that he should face some sort of punishment because his assumptions of suspecting Martin of wrongdoing led to the killing of an innocent teenager.

The judge who sentenced Wollard to 20 years was quoted as saying that if it wasn’t for the minimum mandatory aspect of this law, he would use his own discretion and impose some separate sentence, having taken into consideration the circumstances of this event. 

Critics say Marissa Alexander’s case underscores the unfair sentences that can result when laws strip judges of discretion. About two-thirds of the states have mandatory-minimum sentencing laws, mostly for drug crimes, according to a website for the Families Against Mandatory Minimums advocacy group. “We’re not saying she’s (Alexander) not guilty of a crime, we’re not saying that she doesn’t deserve some sort of sanction by the court,” said Greg Newburn, Florida director for the group. Rather, he said, the judge should have the authority to decide an appropriate sanction after hearing all the unique circumstances of the case. “The irony of the 10-20-life law is the people who actually think they’re innocent of the crime, they roll the dice and take their chances, and they get the really harsh prison sentences,” Newburn said. “Whereas the people who think they are actually guilty of the crime take the plea deal and get out (of prison) well before. So it certainly isn’t working the way it is intended.”

(Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/19/marissa-alexander-gets-20_n_1530035.html)

Lessons learned about Gun Control

Gun control has been a central focus of debate for many years in America. Meanwhile, horrific shootings in Virginia Tech, Colorado theater and the recent tragedy in the school in Connecticut keep reminding us of the same.

But how much good can gun control really do? It baffles me when a city like Chicago has some of the strictest laws against purchasing weapons yet the city has one of the worst statistics of gun related violence in the nation. Some nations even have strict bans on firearms yet the criminals carry more sophisticated weapons than the country’s own army. 

Let’s take a look at the status of two developed nations who currently have tight bans on the possession of firearms. 

Australia: In 1996, a “pathetic social misfit,” as a judge described the lone gunman, killed 35 people with a spray of bullets from semiautomatic weapons. Within weeks, the Australian government was working on gun reform laws that banned assault weapons and shotguns, tightened licensing and financed gun amnesty and buyback programs. The American Law and Economics Review reported in 2010 that firearm homicides in Australia dropped 59 percent between 1995 and 2006. In the 18 years before the 1996 laws, there were 13 gun massacres resulting in 102 deaths, according to Harvard researchers, with none in that category since.

UK: After 16 children and their teacher were killed by a gunman in Dunblane, Scotland, in 1996, the British government banned all private ownership of automatic weapons and virtually all handguns. Those changes gave Britain some of the toughest gun control laws in the developed world on top of already strict rules. Hours of exhaustive paperwork are required if anyone wants to own even a shotgun or rifle for hunting. The result has been a decline in murders involving firearms.

(Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/18/opinion/the-gun-challenge-strict-laws-work.html?_r=0 )

I did some more research and found surprising counterarguments. Caveat: It is difficult to gauge what kind of activity has been reported under “violent crimes” and whether it actually reflects gun related cases.

Both the UK and Australia instituted strict gun control legislation which basically eliminated private gun ownership in 1997. However, neither countries’ legislation had an impact on lowering violent crime, and in both cases violent crime actually went up in the years following the enactment of the gun legislation.

Despite the UK having its gun ban, the violent crime rate is still far above that of the United States, and the country has also earned the title of violent crime capital of Europe (in 2010). 

A Harvard study shows that the burden of proof that “more guns equal more deaths and fewer guns equal less death” has not been observed by evidence across a wide array of nations. This can also be seen in the United States over the past two decades, as more guns have gone into circulation while both the violent crime rate and homicide rate (including those committed with firearms) have declined dramatically.

(Source:http://www.policymic.com/articles/24124/7-gun-control-facts-that-are-actually-myths)

Gun Control Politics in US

America has about 300 million firearms in circulation (about one gun per capita) making it the most for any nation and it would be unconstitutional to ban weapons outright.

Let’s face it – Individuals with a history of criminal activity don’t go to a store to purchase guns legally and any individual who is determined to kill others will find devious ways to stretch himself beyond the law. One example of the latter – the Boston bombers created an explosive device out of a pressure cooker and cause irreparable damage to hundreds of lives.

The Republicans argue – US citizens desire and deserve to be armed and stay safe from such criminals.

The Democrats are in favor of stricter background checks on new and existing gun holders.

Conclusion with some inspiring words from Malala’s UN Speech

There are endless debates about mental stability of individuals who are in close vicinity or have access to firearms. Humans emotions such as fear, jealousy, greed, rage and insatiable desire to avenge can propel even the most sane individuals without any criminal history to fire a weapon and murder someone in the heat of the moment.

Perhaps our greatest focus should be on how to help individuals cope with their violent streak, their past abuse and related trauma rather than dumping them into a prison. Perhaps, we should spend less time debating from the left or right wing and focus on regulating the trafficking of illegal weapons and stopping such sales in their tracks so they don’t reach the drug lords, the mafia, the terrorist groups and the criminals who work for them to make a living.

Then again, we should be looking at equitable distribution of resources so individuals don’t have to choose the path of violence and crimes to escape their own impoverished backgrounds.

Most importantly, we all need to look inward and think about our own moral compass towards violence.

An excerpt from Malala’s UN speech gives us hope and inspiration about what we should really expect of ourselves:

“I want education for the sons and daughters of all the Taliban and all the terrorists and extremists. I do not even hate the Talib who shot me. Even if there is a gun in my hands and he stands in front of me, I would not shoot him. That is the legacy of nonviolence I have been taught from Martin Luther King Jr, Jesus Christ, Nelson Mandela, Gandhiji, Badshah Khan and Mother Teresa. This is the forgiveness that I have learned from my father and from my mother. This is what my soul is telling me. Be peaceful and love everyone.”

p.s. One thing we all have to be careful about when we make any points of disagreement about individuals involved in a case, or its outcome or even any discourse in life, is to back it up with supporting evidence.

Here’s Graham’s hierarchy of Disagreement below that can helpful to anyone in their future debating, researching, and writing endeavors.

Example for reference:

“Sakshi, I don’t think people give a doodoo about what you say. You don’t even have a real job!”

That’s Ad hominen my fellow homo sapien! 

George Carlin – Men are Stupid Vs Women are Crazy

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus.

Right.

And dogs are from Pluto.

I have a more straightforward analysis for you.

If there is one adjective that is commonly used to describe the behavioral patterns that our respective genders exhibit over time – it would be:

Men are stupid. Women are crazy.

The late George Carlin nailed it with this quote.

Carlin was one of the few comedians to use his insights on politics, religion, psychology and combine it with his aptitude for dark humor to constructively criticize society, in particular, that of America. It ranged from Republican policy-making (“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money”) to governmental interest in wars (“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity”) to the fast-food consumerist American culture (“When you are born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”)

As a man, Mr. Carlin knows what he is talking about when he says that men can be stupid. As a woman, I can vouch for the fact that women can be crazy. Obviously, not every man is incapable of handling intelligent conversations nor does every woman need to be admitted to the nearest mental asylum; and by no means does Carlin’s quote imply that those specific adjectives are solely attributed to a specific gender. Men can be as much of a whack job just as women can be downright ignorant about certain matters. Carlin also famously said, “Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?” It has a lot to do with our perception whilst safeguarding our own impression.

Carlin’s quote on men and women sparks an interesting debate that would continue ad nauseum. The objective of this post to provide insight into why these two adjectives prevail so that the next time you or one of your buds say something like – “Gosh! Men are such idiots” or “That woman is cray! Ain’t she Jay?” – you, at the very least, know why.

Women are crazy

Are women really crazy because men are stupid? Personally, I think it’s more about a lack of awareness of each other’s differences. Men and women have different anatomies and we certainly don’t think like each other.

If men were more aware about the biological plight and societal pressures that women have to go through, our craziness would seem rather normal.

Let me explain in three easy steps. But first, a quick social psychology experiment.

Are you:

• A man?
• Having even an inkling of an imagination?

Great.

You are the perfect guinea pig for this small-scale study sponsored by the Kremlin, Kim Kardashian and North Korea. Please don’t be offended by my mention of a pig. I’ve tried to keep this post as kosherly halal as possible.

Step #1 : Try to put yourself in a woman’s shoes

Before your mind explodes wondering what type of shoe-icide I am talking about, ranging from a pair of stilettos (where your ass is elevated at a backbreaking angle to the ground) to the fashionably late flip flops – just imagine yourself as having two protruding parts above the waistline and no protruding part below it.

Caveat

One of my favorite actors, Abhay Deol was asked in a recent interview, “What would be your first reaction if you woke up inside a woman’s body?”

His response was along the lines of “I’d start touching myself.”

The man’s honesty is rather endearing, but if you are reading this post in a public place, I highly recommend you refrain from such activities of enthusing yourself.

Step # 2: Maintenance requirements for your “delicate” looking, yet tough exterior

Now that you are a woman, it is imperative that you start developing an overwhelming tolerance for pain.

Why?

Contrary to popular belief, women aren’t blessed with naturally smooth, hairless skin all their life. Truly God must be a feminist because he/she made no qualms when it came to equality about hair; everything is fair after you hit puberty.  Men got the “ok” to keep their hairiness intact whereas women got more options to depilate their skin. Lovely end of the bargain! 

You must have come across those Veet/razor/laser adverts where the objective of hair removal seems like a self-defeating task given that the selected models have no hair to begin with.

No, Katrina. You don’t need Veet unless you want your armpits smelling like burnt rubber.

Men may not be very comfortable being seen within a mile radius of a beauty parlor. Women, on the other hand, have the comforting privilege to go inside and visit the magical world of hair-ripping, nail[-clipper] biting, blackhead-tweezing torture.

Men, now that you are in a woman’s body – your eyebrows won’t do themselves.

I’ll let you on in a little secret — No woman enjoys going through the pain of threading her eyebrows. Just imagine having a parlor lady breathing onions near your face as she rips off hair in close vicinity to your precious eyes. On the bright side, I still have my vision intact.

Here’s the truth BBC or AlJazeera won’t tell you — Once a woman starts getting her eyebrows done (to emote her craziness better), she MUST continue this practice for the rest of her life; else the new hairs will pop out like porcupine needles and no one would like such a safety hazard walking around in public.

You may wonder — Why do women get their eyebrows done in the first place?

Here’s your answer. As an added benefit, you come out looking 10 shades fairer too.

The next task is waxing.

Again, you may ask – Why do women put themselves in such hair-raising/pull-your-hair out kind of circumstances?

If it makes you crazy thinking about it, we actually experience it.

As women, we would love to walk around in our natural glory. China took advantage of this concept and recently came out with anti-pervert hair leggings to keep lecherous men away — Because we all know women exposing their soft and smooth legs are practically asking for rape. Ask any dimwit politician from India.

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/fashion/hairy-stocking-rage-girls-china-article-1.1375987

Women’s shorts causing road accidents since 1937.

A woman can magically transform herself from Ugly Betty to Betty Boop simply by threading her eyebrows at a parlor and applying a generous layer of makeup. Men, on the other hand, have to stick with what they have. Get it? Stick. There goes my halal threshold.

Dear folks, if you feel self-conscious about your less than average appearance and are ridden with worry about finding a mate, I suggest you work on strengthening your sense of humor and appetite for sarcasm. That’s what I’m doing, as is evident from this post.

I will add that men shouldn’t feel uncomfortable if they wish to visit a parlor and “groom” themselves. I support men’s rights to fairness and depilation. Moreover, obesity is on the rise and many men have enough assets to model their own line of bras. Forget Victoria. We need an Adam’s secret. 

Step #3: Get ready for your monthly cycle.

If maintaining your outer appearance didn’t drive you completely mad, the menstrual hormones surely will.

Make sure to reserve [approx] one week of the month to go bonkers on your cycle. But it doesn’t end there. As one of my friends pointed out, we also have the pre-menstrual and post-menstrual issues to worry about so there goes about another two weeks of menstrual mayhem. A better piece of advice would be to reserve [approx] one week of the month to be absolutely free of over-the-top ovarian craziness.

It’s clear why the word “menopause” is called what it is – Because women have to wait till that stage to permanently pause their cycles and achieve that freedom that men have always cherished. Men may continue to deliver their seeds for germination but once a woman pauses, the baby-making factory retires for good.

Is your mind completely screwed up from my mention of a woman’s menstrual cycles?

Here’s a biology 101 refresher:

Those regular cycles are absolutely necessary to be capable of creating a comfortable and healthy environment for a baby to develop once a zygote is conceived.

Imagine barfing from the smells or taste of random foods, or having back aches, or hormonal fluctuations, hot flashes or a hoard of other issues as you strap on a little human being inside your body for close to nine months.

Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?

A guy once asked me – “Why did God give all the dirty jobs to women?”

He was referring to our cycles and pregnancy related woes. He might have also been referring to seeing his mommy doing all the household chores and cleaning his nappy for him well into adulthood.

Mister, I don’t need the crutch of a biblical verse to make my point. As a woman, I have the chance to raise one of the biggest blessings of God. When I do give birth, I will have a piece of my heart walking around with little toes and feet and I am more than happy to take on this “dirty” job”. (Pro-choice baby!)

So there you have it men. I gave you a bit of insight on major factors that make women crazy as a species.

Men are stupid

Since I don’t have a protruding part below my waistline, I am not a suitable candidate to discuss what makes men stupid. But having interacted with many individuals who are men, I’ll take some wild guesses. Men and women both have small quantities of (sensitive) estrogen and (sexual) testosterone hormones, respectively. Just like a woman’s fluctuating estrogen and progesterone levels have the capacity to put our minds into a thinking overdrive, testosterone can have the opposite effect to make men lose their ability to make full use of their intellect and turn into ‘Hump’ty Dumpty. 

Although no causality has been determined, studies have shown that men, who are in love and fully committed to their partner tend to have lower levels of testosterone as compared to their more promiscuous counterparts. Correlation has also been determined between men engaging in extramarital affairs and above average levels of this principal male sex hormone. How the eff do I know all this? Google zindabad.

Now that I’ve addressed biology, let’s talk about intelligence.

In the 20th century, many men contributed to some of the best inventions ever known to mankind, whilst women’s suffrage (right to vote) movement was just starting to gain momentum.  

Can you spot the minority? Marie Curie standing out with her radioactive presence in the front row.

With so many brilliant men in history, how can men be stupid?

Well, many men have also been the inventors of some of the most toxic products known to mankind such as atomic bombs, agent orange, and commercialized cigarettes which are highly carcinogenic. Some men consider themselves as the expert on rape, pregnancy and abortion and pass conservative laws to restrict the freedom that women deserve to have on their own bodies.  

Some men need immediate help.

Without men, we wouldn’t have acid attacks on women, anthrax used for biological warfare and chemical weapons for mass destruction; heck we could have avoided quite a number of wars in history or even ongoing today.

So there you have it folks. 

Men are stupid. Women are crazy.

Better we understand and accept our partners for these intrinsic flaws so as to be in everlasting communion with them, rather than fight about it in a looping debate.

Ok tata.

p.s. Did you know that Russell Peters was motivated to become the comedic legend he is because of encouragement from his idol, George Carlin? Well, now you do.

p.p.s. As for the “crazy” woman, we have contributed to our fair share of ideas and inventions as well.

Helen Free (home diabetes kit), Randi Altschul (world’s first disposable cellphone), Dianne Croteau (first CPR mannequin), Gertrude Elion (leukemia fighting drug 6-mercaptopurine), Stephanie Kwolek (inventor of Kevlar), Hedy Lamarr (system to prevent an enemy from jamming signals of radioguided torpedo– used in mobile devices today), Anna Connelly (patented first fire escape with staircase), just to name a few.

http://news.in.msn.com/her_courage/10-great-inventions-by-women-8#image=12

“The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day. That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.” -David Foster Wallace (2009)

The fruit that is mythified to keep doctors away, that plopped on Newton’s head with a force that he later postulated in his theory of gravity, that is a key component in pies, ciders, shakes and even styles of jeans and body shapes, is the same fruit that is eponymous with the melting pot of all skyscrapered pots and shiny pans out there.

The Big Apple.

You can spend all your pre-dentured years devouring it and yet still feel that there are more picturesque junctures, more billboard-ed avenues, more Michelin star venues, all screaming for attention, all waiting to be captured on several rolls of photographic film rather than simply being retained in the memory film of the mind. This mentality is true for how many of us perceive life – that if we could just travel more, purchase more, update and upgrade more, we would achieve more happiness. There is literally no end to the allure.

There are also those outliers who have covered every continent yet remain shockingly narrow in thought, whilst carrying a sign of “We’re closed” on the doors of their fixated prejudices; or some who have yet to experience a plane ride and travel outside their homeland, yet still remain wonderfully rooted to the pulse of our global culture. We can think of many examples of the former like the crooked politicians who travel in their VVIP aircrafts on taxpayer money, yet brew hatred on the pretext of religion, caste, or gender without realizing that we are all connected to each other. For the latter, the cases are much rarer. Personally, I know of one friend, close to my age, who has never set foot in India or any other country for that matter, yet she is one of the most humble, open-minded and culturally rooted Indian women I know. It may have a lot to do with her education in one of the most diverse schools in America [Rutgers] and the amazing upbringing of her parents but it is a significant contrast to some of the other Indian folks I’ve met who always cling together like moths to a light and I try to avoid them like Aamir Khan avoids bad movie scripts.

Traveling does do wonders to open the frontiers of our mind but self-exploration is key. Before I talk about the Big Apple, let me make mention of another apple. No, not the protrusion of cartilage around the larynx for all the grown up Adams out there.

The company.

Visiting India, and observing the massive poverty and simplicity in the way of life of those said masses and spiritually inclined, alone, did not propel Steve Jobs to build his legacy of simplifying the way we look at phones. I don’t find myself qualified enough to talk about the life of such a visionary but I must say that in spite of all the failures and setbacks he faced, he lived, dreamed and breathed Apple. In fact, Apple was his sole form of sustenance (edible pun).

Not everyone has to become as wealthy as Jobs or Aamir Khan to prove the worthiness of their ideas but my own takeaway from such idols, dead or alive, famous or unknown, is that our dream of contentment will become all the more elusive when our boarding pass has a final destination yet our life continues to head nowhere. By no means is this an indication to compete with other such clueless souls for the sake of competing but more so about forging your own path in whatever ‘nookad‘ of the world you may be in. You may fail but you will be content in knowing that you tried your level best.

One of easiest means of achieving contentment as transcribed in almost every spiritual teaching, from the likes of Buddhism to the eclectic origin of the works of Tolle, is to focus on the present. It may not be possible to do so at every instant but as you grow to enjoy the present, you will find that peace is no longer such a far-fetched notion.

Of all the things you are anticipating, say a trip, a promotion, or even an acknowledgment from that unattainable crush, what good things are happening right now that you can tune into your consciousness?

I’m going to share a humbling story, not from the streets of NYC but from a whole different world that lies below it – where the lively rhythm of the train moving on its designated tracks matches the rhythmic beat of blood flowing in its designated arteries in people’s hearts, where the steam of the subway pipes effortlessly intermingle with the warmth of people’s breaths, where all men and women carry equal (public transportation) boarding rights, and where survival of the fittest to squeeze into a jampacked car during rush hour is an unwritten commandment of subway citizenry. Apart from the smell of a few commuters in serious need of deodorant or perfume de-vaporizer, the sights of Peter Pettigrew’s animagus form, and the rest of the senses overwhelmed by the overall claustrophobic environment, there lies a bouquet of talent waiting to brighten the mood of even the burliest of souls.

Many times, I find myself getting a front row performance at what could perhaps be a hip hop dance-off on “So You Think You Can Dance?” or a musical accompaniment at the Royal Albert Hall or a solo at the Met Opera.

But there’s a big difference.

These performers entertain and alleviate depression for free.

Just a little over a year ago, I was caught up in a 8a-8p routine of home-work-home (which shall reprise itself in the future.)

Here’s a picture of me at my desk, circa 2011.

At that time, I would be peeved to see these underground performers pop up out of nowhere, thinking that their obvious intent was to beg for money.

“Why can’t they just find a REAL job?” was my first reaction.

The definition of what society deems a real job is to become a participating economic contributor, mostly through consumption and (for the rare Atlas Shruggers of the world) – creation. Some of us may work in companies that ruin our bodies and our environment by selling terrible drugs, foods with GMO ingredients, cigarettes, carcinogenic pesticides, animal growth hormone manufacturers, unregulated industrial toxins etc. all under the umbrella of an award-winning/CSR leader conglomerate. These companies may test on humans and animals alike, and shove their money into the pockets of our government, so much so that we can be sure the government is no longer on our side. Heck some of us may work for the government and put our vested interests in controlling other citizens by denying their rights. We may spend our lives defending such companies for our livelihood depends on it, the brainwashing being no different than preaching one religion over another.

We are all born into the same world. As we grow up, we are taught how to make a living but not how to live. Our overly saturated paper education slowly turns into mental constipation. We throw ourselves in the rat race and peddle along in the self-inflicting hamster wheel. We get consumed by societal constraints that purportedly make us human to ultimately lose the very spark and inventive streak we once innocently treasured. Somewhere along the way, we find a mate, make babies and watch our kids follow the same aforementioned steps. 

In this perplexing, rat race cycle of a world, I realize now that these street performers have something that many don’t — the guts to follow (through on) their passion.

They have the admirable confidence to present themselves in front of strangers who may question their background, pass sneering remarks or barely even acknowledge their presence.

Only yesterday, I saw two men, one Hispanic and the other of African descent, pulling off a feat of flips, locking and popping, dangling with one leg bent on the uppermost holding bars and superbly nailing amazing twists and turns with the help of the two poles in the middle; all of that in a moving train with some beats churned with one man’s Iphone connected to a mini-boombox. There were no standing passengers and the entire seated audience was mesmerized with stunned faces of ooohs and aaahs. The two passengers beside me were noticeably annoyed that these performers disrupted their mumbling rants revolving around one man’s endless tirade of how much his life sucks. Ironically, he had just visited France and was due to travel again on vacation. (Le sigh! It was very hard not to overhear their loud voices and suggest, “Please watch David Foster Wallace’s This is Water.”)

What mesmerized me the most was that the African American man had a tattoo written in Arabic on his upper right arm and wore a T-shirt that carried stunning paintings of Lord Shiva in the front, and Lord Ganesha on the back. Both men made it clear from the very beginning that they were neither poor nor homeless. Rather, they were part of a bigger troupe of dancers wanting to showcase their art form and any donations were welcome. For the first time in my life, I slipped in two dollar bills into one man’s cap when they came around (one starving artist supporting another) :). Another kid across from me donated a dollar bill with the help of his parents. That would have just about covered the subway entry fare for one passenger.

A year or so ago, I may have been embarrassed to donate money this way to people who didn’t work like me, but today, I was very happy for them. I wanted to take a photo of their live performance and say a few words of gratitude. However, the next stop arrived moments later, the curtains rolled down, another subway door of opportunity opened up and they left to entertain a new audience.

I’m sure I will be fortunate to see artists like them again and be able to convey my message to at least one of them –

Keep inspiring us with your talent and please don’t turn into one of those suited and booted kind of a cloned personality. There’s enough of those guys. The world needs more healers; more innovative thinkers who are motivated by the uniqueness of their good, not by the uniformity of another man’s greed; more souls who dare to change the world for the better because they don’t fear to think and do differently. The world needs more people like you.

Help! My Daughter Wants to Become a Bollywood Heroine

Dear Wacky Saki,

I inadvertently clicked on a link about a rare UFO’s sighting of Shahnaz Husain sans makeup and got redirected to your blog page. As dumdum as some of your psychological underpinnings are, you are the cheapest labor I can afford on my celery. Although becoming an actress is far more lucrative than your measly professhun of being a starving writer, I need your esteemed help to hypnotize my 16 year old so she may get rid of this illusory dream of becoming a Bollywood actress. It all started on the day of puranmashi when I took my daughter to see the movie Gippi. 

She was thoroughly inspired by the lead protagonist to whom she bears a striking resemblance. I had a gut feeling that the full moon was going to be a bad omen. I mean, look at what it did to the reputation of Cedric Diggory.

The following day, my daughter came across a news blurb about the said teenage actress getting the chance to meet Ranbir Kapoor and she became fixated on the idea that she, too, could make her mark and eat Barfi with Ranbir someday. I explained to her that Ranbir is actually Gollum who disguises himself under a toupee that he borrowed from Salman Khan.¹

Hobbitish Translation: Dafuq am I doing?

I will be honest in saying that we do not have any family connections to any leading Bollywood stars. Even my dhobi stopped pressing clothes for the dhobi who eloped with some bodybuilder named Rakhi Sawant, so as you can see, it is a very de’pressing’ situation.

I will feed all the gow matas that huddle near my neighborhood temple, if you so kindly oblige to provide your counseling service.

Please pardon any spelling mistakes. English is my daughter’s tongue.

Jovially yours,

Savita behen²

p.s. I am ready to try exorcism, if need be.

¹Did I say toupee? I meant Katrina.

²I said behen, not bhabhi. Pervs.

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Dear Savita,

Thank you for your kind query and embedded insult. It seems as if there is a heroin problem running in your family.

Firstly, please note that aspiring to become a Bollywood actress is not a serious disorder that merits voodoo or telepathic torture. (Though, aspiring to become a TV bahu in an Ekta Kapoor serial would be worthy of critical mental evaluation.)

I urge you to think about all the ethereal beauties and acting legends that we still admire and no other actress, even today, has been able to match up to them.

Nargis, Smita Patil, Madhubala, just to name a few.

Needless to say, these women still flutter the hearts of many men.

I empathize with your concerns about filmmakers making movies like Gippi and deceiving young girls into thinking that they can make it in Bollywood as plain Jane (bra cup <=A) as they are.

There may have been a future for them to play the recurrent role of Moaning Myrtle in the Harry Potter series but alas, even that option ceases to exist. The reality is much different in Bollywood. If your daughter doesn’t resemble one of these heroines emerging from the same clone machine, then I’m sorry to say, no astrologer can brighten her future in lalala land.  

I have a few questions up my sleeve that you should address to your daughter right away so that she may rethink her aspirations from a more practical perspective.

First, ask her to name any current leading Bollywood actress that hasn’t done an item number, or an advert for a fairness cream, or participated in a beauty pageant or emerged right off the ramp.

Few to none.

I’m not saying your daughter can’t be fair AND lovely or deflate her belly and inflate her gluteus jelly to fit the measurements of a human hanger (I mean model), or that she can’t prove her acting mettle up to par with the likes of Munni, Babli and now what’s left – Guddi? She can take inspiration from the success stories of those who made it. Just look at John and Bipasha still making sequels to Jism with regular body exposure in every movie they star in.

One exception to all those superficial criteria would be the evergreen Gracy Singh who starred in critically acclaimed movies like Munnabhai MBBS and Lagaan but she is no longer ‘commercially’ marketable because she refuses to do item numbers.

Ask your daughter– “Would you be okay being ranked amongst a group of over 100 women, strut around in a bikini and heels (scientists have found the experience to be as comfortable as giving birth), and eventually have a bunch of myopic judges declare only one of you as Miss Milky Way?”

That’s right little girl coated in three layers of makeup. Set your priorities straight!

Your daughter should realize that it is a ridiculous concept because all of the participating contestants are gorgeous. Beauty pageants employ the same policy the British used to takeover India- Divide and Rule. Divide women on how much we pout our lips and rule us on the title you accord to us. This little know secret has been a big CIA cover-up, brushed under the squirrel like wig of Donald Trump, who has retained ownership of the Miss Universe bijiness since 1996!

Actress Sandra Bullock exemplifies this concept when she went undercover in a Miss Congeniality pageant. Batman’s bulter transformed her from a respected, badass cop to a badass beauty queen, only to have her male colleagues finally acknowledging her (bad)ass.

Now unless you ask the beauty contestants to create a piece of origami in ten seconds and judge them on their skillfulness and mastery of time, I see no merit in such rankings that become the fodder for debutante Bollywood heroines. In fact, decades of this worldwide pageantry of ranking women has turned into the bubonic plague of defining ideals for ascertaining beauty – Long hair, perfect eyebrows, glowing skin, petite waist, petite feet and not to forget- a petite mouth, lest God forbid, a woman is considered even slightly worthy of serious conversation. These criteria have made more and more women conscientious of their looks even when they possess genuine inner beauty and stellar rack of brains. 

I have proof to attest to this brainwashing mindset — Have you ever seen a woman genuinely happy about another woman’s success?

I haven’t either.

(Just Kidding. There are some rare gems out there, ask your daughter to surround herself with such folks)

Some additional questions:

Have you ever seen a men’s pageant where women get to rank them on the basis of their crotch size and the number of hair follicles on their chest?

No, because men’s pagents don’t exist. Men don’t need to be deemed pretty. They just whiff some droplets of Axe body spray and pretty women just fall into their laps from the sky.

It is a bit of a double standard because some Bollywood men can look like a pile of doo-doo with extremely poor verbal communication skills and still be portrayed as the Ricky Behl/ Playboy Hefner of India. 

Mister, I see your monkey dance and I one up you with my version of it.

Last but not least, ask your daughter if she will be okay vying for item songs with lyrics that practically illustrate a blowjob and if her future children would be comfortable witnessing their mother in them?

Because nothing suggests a “Role model” better than dancing to lyrics like “Main tandoor murgi hoon yaar, gatka se saiyaan alcohol se.” Truly inspirational given that you just made a mockery of a profession where countless women are beaten and tortured everyday to sell their bodies for a living.

As more and more beauty pageant winners/models/star kids enter Bollywood, the emphasis laid on acting depreciates faster than an actress’s shelf life.

Let your daughter know that she may become the reigning queen of Bollywood but at the expense of romancing uncles twice her age on screen, and marrying a triple divorcee or some [B-] grade actor named Abhishek Bach Chan (?), or be linked to hit and miss (abusive) Salman Khan off screen.

Personally, living alone with cats seems more enticing.

Hope this helps.